Autobiography

My father, Rocco Biagio Giovanni Labbate, moved to New Jersey from Italy in 1955. My mother, Sharon Lea Henry, was born in Ohio. My father met my mother on a blind date after he returned from service in the USMC in 1970.

My maternal grandmother is Virginia Lunden
{Father: Carl Alfred Lunden, Mother: Mildred Olive Ryan}
My maternal grandfather is Paul Henry
{Father: James Sullivan, Mother: Caroline Lippman}
My paternal grandmother is Biagia Milone
{Father: Biagio Milone, Mother: Emilia Vento}
My paternal grandfather is Francesco Giulio Labbate
{Father: Rocco Labbate, Mother: Rocchina Scuzzarella}

I was born on April 17, 1985 in Point Pleasant, New Jersey to father Rocco Biagio Giovanni Labbate and mother Sharon Lea Labbate. They lived in a new house in Lanoka Harbor at the time. When I was only 5 months old we moved to California. We lived in the city of Rancho Mirage at 70573 Sunny Lane in the culdesac of Independence Circle. The plan was for my Dad to work for the family business "Gemaldi" that was already established by my uncles, Enzo and Vince. Gemaldi was an acronym made up of my cousins' names at the time: Gina, Elena, Maria, Anna, Lisa, Diana and "Imports". When I was born, they were thinking of adding an "s" to the end, but the business didn't last longer than a few months.

In December 1987, my Uncle Robert (Bob) visits. He went with us to Oak Glen to pick out a Christmas tree. Bob was a hair stylist. My parents tried to distract me while Bob cut my hair, but I cried and resisted a lot.

In Fall 1988, I begin my year of preschool at Desert Son-shine. I remember kids crying when their parents left. There was a girl crying in the bathroom and I told her "your mom will come back" and she shook her head "no". When I brought a plush hedgehog named "Harold" to school, some bullies burried him in the sand box right in front of me while I was playing by myself. I would sing made-up instrumental songs on my "invisible radio" while swinging on the swings.

In Fall 1989, I begin my second year of preschool. I made a friend named Matt Amar. Matt was a bit of a troublemaker. He would steal toys from school and I would just watch. When my Mom and Mrs. Rhodes spoke, they both thought Matt would end up in prison and that they were happy he was moving away so they would have to see it happen. When preschool ended and summer break began, I cried because Matt was moving to Oregon. As part of a school art project, I had created an image of Matt using different kinds of beans glued to a piece of cardboard. I fantasized that if I removed a bean each day, after I removed the last one Matt would come back. Though I never actually damaged the image, at the time I thought this kind of fantasy was appropriate.

Once I decided it was a great idea to touch a cactus while outside the home of a babbysitter named Pamella. My thumb collected numerous thorns and I cried. I had another babysitter named Debbie who once played a game where she convincingly made one of my plush toys dissapear into the ceiling, only for it to fall back down at her whim after a few seconds. We surprised her at her house down the street once and she laughed "I'm having banana split!", which was the first time I had heard of such a thing. My mom would make tiny tuna sandwiches for me with oyster crackers as the bread. She would sing a jingle "Tuna Mn-aise, Tuna Mn-aise". I loved grilled cheese sandwiches, but when I tried the cheese by itself, I didn't really like cheese after all. I liked Cheese-It crackers but eventually they were too cheesy for me and I started liking Goldfish crackers instead. This was part of a pattern of me slowly discovering that less cheese was better for me.

My grandparents on my Mom's side, Paul and Virginia Henry, would visit every summer for a couple weeks. We would pick them up from the Palm Springs airport. They both smoked, and I tried to get them to stop. I wore a mask around. I made no-smoking signs. I yelled at them. I told them I was worried for their health. They thought it was funny but that just bothered me more. I didn't understand how they could acknowledge that smoking was bad yet do it anyways.

Elementary School

I started Kindergarten in 1990 at Rancho Mirage Elementary school. My Kindergarten teacher was Mrs. Cronk and her aide Mrs. Gillespe. Mrs. Cronk was married to Mr. Cronk who was also a teacher at that school. Mr. Cronk played the guitar and wrote the school anthem. I wore the same grey shirt to school every day with a small plush "Gus" tucked into the pocket. I decided that a kid named Steig was my best friend. Steig never said a word to me and probably didn't know I existed. He had a lot of followers during recess and I sometimes watched. Sometimes I played my "invisible radio" on the swings. I didn't truly have any friends.

Our front yard had a bunch of plants that my parents called the "Santino Plant" that resembled a giant tulip. They gave it this name because it always bloomed almost exactly on my birthday, April 17th, each year. There were a lot of snails that lived in and under these plants. I would capture snails just to watch them move.

I hated wearing shoes. They felt so confining and I would completely melt down before school if I couldn't wiggle my toes in them. My Mom would cut holes in my socks so I wouldn't cry so much. I was very self-conscious of my feet too. I never wanted anyone to see them, which forced me to wear socks even more. My Dad tried to make me feel better but the feeling persisted. I also hated the feeling of loose fitting shirts. I would cry "LOOSE, LOOSE, LOOSE" while wiggling my shirts.

There were two ducks that made a home out of our pool. I would feed the ducks bread before school. My Mom made a song about the ducks that went like:

Mommy duck and Daddy duck were walking by the pool,
Just to say hello to you before you go to school.
I got some bread to feed to them,
And threw it out the door.
Quack, quack quack, quack quack, quack quack,
They're asking me for more.

My Mom would drive me to the pond at the corner of nearby Gerald Ford Drive and Da Vall Drive. We would take frozen bread to feed to the ducks and geese. The geese, in general, tended to bite my hand when I tried to feed them but the ducks didn't. There was one particularly large goose that my Mom and I would call "Sir Dominance".

My parents sectioned off a large area under a big tree in the backyard with a wrought iron fence. This was "my area". I dug a large hole in my area which I called "The Grand Canyon" and all the dirt from it went onto a hill I called "Mount Santino". There was a green sprig that grew up from the otherwise brown trunk of the big tree that I named "Knocko". We had a brown rabbit named "Thumper" after the character from Bambi. He started out indoors but eventually my Dad created a pen for him outside in my area. He would dig his way out and I had to chase him around the yard. I would sit with Thumper in his pen and feed him carrots. It was fun watching him chew.

Mom and Dad let me borrow their camera and tripod. I would make videos of myself on the couch where I would act like a teacher in front of the class. I couldn't read yet, but I would recite the Disney book Thumper's Little Sisters. I had a goodbye ritual I did at the end of each video involving saying a bunch of nonsense words with my plush "Cera" from The Land Before Time. I called her my "son" despite knowing that she was female.

Dad played on a softball team with colleagues from work. Once my Mom and I went to watch him. It was at night and we sat on bleachers to watch the game through a chain link fence. My stomach started to hurt for some reason so my Mom walked me over to the bathroom. I sat there (on the toilet) with my Mom at the door. I asked her to "pray" because my stomach hurt so bad.

We found a baby bird that had fallen from one of the trees in our backyard. We named the bird "Fritz" and tried to keep him warm inside a box. In desperation, I cut a woodlouse (roly-poly bug) in half and tried to feed it to Fritz, but he just layed there with the bug in his mouth. I felt terrible that I had killed the bug for nothing. After about a day my Mom told me that Fritz died.

On 6/7/1991, I wrote a letter to God. In it, I wished that Fritz was still alive and that perhaps God could drop another bird for me to take care of but this time "don't drop him so hard". I put the letter in an envelope and left it by our front door. In the morning it was gone. I told my Mom that God had taken the letter, but my Mom said it was just her that took it. This got me thinking about the whether there really was a God.

I started 1st Grade in 1991. My teacher was Mrs. Nickerson. I didn't play with other kids very much at school but there were a few other kids that my parents tried to hook me up with. Larry Palmer, Andres Contreras and Robert Kirchoff. They were some of the kids I would watch playing soccer at recess. I tried to express an interest in playground sports to fit in, but it was never genuine. I didn't really understand the boundaries of friendship. I would try to sit in the same chair with Larry or try to hold Larry's hand to show affection. I guess that's not what friends do. At some point, I decided that a girl named Rachel was my girlfriend (Rachel probably didn't know who I was). One day, when the teacher complimented Rachel's dress in front of the class, I chimed in: "Well, I really think she's pretty. She's my girlfriend!" The whole class laughed, and I immediately put my head down in embarassment.

I was trying to create a gift for Rachel (because that's what boyfriends do), and my Mom stopped me. "No! Don't give her your only picture of Matt!" she said. I was ready to give her the only picture I had of Matt Amar, but I stopped. My Mom was trying to teach me a lesson that just because something is valuable to you doesn't mean it's valuable to other people. I would never truly understand this lesson and it would cause me a lot of pain throughout my life.

I was afraid of loosing my teeth when they became loose. One day my Mom decided it was time to just get it over with. She chased me around our grey couch in the living room until she caught me. She restrained me while twisting my tooth out. While doing so she said, "It's not as loose as I thought." A lot of my personality was exposed in these few moments. It was the first time I got this horrible guilty feeling that my tooth was wasted; my tooth still had a few days left in it. This same feeling would return any time I would discard something only to realize that it wasn't as weak or as useless as I thought it was. I hated waste. I hated taking things for granted.

Hanging out with multiple people at a time was difficult for me. Once when Robert and Andres were at my house at the same time, I ended up telling them that I didn't want to hang out with two people at a time. Robert was hurt and decided to leave and walk home. He shoved me on the way out to show how upset he was. In hindsight, I admire how well he took it. I didn't change though. I would fixate on one "best friend" at a time. I needed my friends to always play my game. When they played with eachother it was annoying.

There was another kid, Peter Anargirou, a year younger than me, who I became friends with. Peter was very agressive, often pushing and hitting me. At my house one time he spit at Thumper. At Peter's house, he had a video game system he called the "Magic Game Hunter" which allowed us to play all sorts of NES, SNES and Genesis games illegally pirated onto floppy discs.

Our class put on a play for our parents to attend at school. It was a circus where kids played the parts of human performers and animals in groups. Robert and I were seals. Larry was a horseback rider.

I started 2nd Grade in 1992. My teacher was Mr. Devich. I tried to maintain my friendship with Larry, but he found a new friend, Dwayne. I made a new friend, Chris Curry, but Andres and Chris became closer friends with eachother than with me. Robert Kirchoff didn't talk to me anymore. I didn't understand the give and take of relationships. Everyone had to play my way, and that probably drove them away. Peter was an acception. He usually got his way. He complained once that he thought there was nothing to do at my house, but there was "lots of cool stuff" to do at his house. I was always eager to impress Peter. I was rarely able to, and that might be why I valued it so much.

Ever since Kidergarten I liked to create this "wave" effect with papers I was holding. I would hold an edge and use my thumb to start a ripple effect that travelled slowly across the page. It created a satisfying combination of visual, sound and texture sensations. I did this a lot, especially with papers (or pages) that I liked. Eventually I realized that it put creases down the center of the paper and I tried to quit doing it.

For a brief time I sat in the back of the room next to Christyna Prounh. I noticed that when she made an error in writing a word, she would erase the entire word rather than simply making a minor correction: for example adding a line to a "o" to make it an "a". One morning I managed to remove some mysterious object that was stuck in my teeth. I didn't realize what it was at the time. Afraid that it was something that actually belonged in my mouth, I moved as if to put the object back, but Christina said "Ewwww" causing me to refrain.

We had neighbors Pepe and Sharon Flores who had kids Danny, David and Linda. The kids were much older than me, but I was allowed to hang out at their house once in a while. David and I would play "Dig Dug" on his computer. He would control the movement while I would control the gun. We never got far but I had a ton of fun. Danny played metal guitar in their garage. He liked the X-Men and was pretty good at doing comic book art. Danny called himself "Uncanny Danny". Danny gave me advice on pencil drawing human figures using a wireframe. He collected X-Men cards (1992 Wolverine: "From Then 'Till Now" II Trading Cards) and gave me the duplicates. Once he tried to teach me how to fire a BB gun at a thoroughly shaken pop can.

When we would visit my aunt Maria and uncle Enzo, I would watch Enzo play Tetris or Doctor Mario. I thought he was very good. For some reason I would always refer to my aunts by their italian title "zia", but I just called my uncles "uncle". Once I asked Enzo what pieces he would add to the game if he could modify it. He said "I don't know". I was surprised that he didn't really seem to care about my question despite obviously loving the game.

I played with a lot of plush toys. I called them "stufties". Rexon the T-Rex was named after the robot from Sonic the Hedgehog 2 in Hill Top Zone. He held the highest rank of "Cute One". Spuds the Bull Terrier was second in command and always said "Oh pooh" for no reason. Ricky the Raccoon was third in command and had the title of "Greatest Fighter". I would build pillow forts and snuggle up with them. The world outside of the fort was dangerous. "Stipogot" (a villain played by me) was basically the devil. He would be stalking us somewhere unseen outside the fort. The stufties had super powers that I represented with my hands. Sometimes I liked to just watch my hands turn and flourish around like fire or a ball of energy (plus sound effects). I made my Mom play a game called "Stufty Fighting", where she would bet on which character would win a battle. Ricky would always win unless he was sick. I also made my Mom play "Spinner Man", which was a turn based platformer game I planned, drew and animated on a chalk board.

Up to this point in my life, Peter was the only kid who actively pursued hanging out with me, and the first one who had willpower strong enough for me to play what he wanted to play. He lived in a gated community with a whole golf course for a backyard. When Sonic the Hedgehog 2 was released, I first saw it at Peter's house. I thought Tails was the cutest thing I had ever seen; I couldn't shut up about it.

When Peter spent the night at our house one time, he told me the story of Bloody Mary. We scared the heck out of eachother talking about Bloody Mary. We watched the movie Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer that night and both agreed that the movie made us feel a whole lot better.

My Mom and I would sometimes "camp out" in the living room on the sofa bed. We would watch Monster Vision on the TNT channel, which had a bunch of classic horror movies late at night. My favorite TV show was Thunder Cats, which was also on pretty late at night.

One night, I was having difficulty sleeping so I got up, sat down at the kitchen table and just stared out of our sliding glass door into the distance. In that moment, I imagined myself in the future remembering this exact moment. I thought about what memories were and why we remembered some things and not others. For some reason, I wanted to preserve this particular memory as best I could, as an experiment. I kept staring out the glass with my chin resting on folded hands and thought of the words "Dog Dog Dog". It was an attempt to anchor the memory somehow.

Other kids (and people in general) seemed to have a lot of interest in celebrities. I called the phenomenon "celebrity worship". I had no interest in celebrities myself. People would say, "What? How do you now know who that is?" I was always very impressed by other kids' ability to seemingly never be embarassed. They were confident even when making errors. They seemed to have no problem being the center of attention either. I always dreaded having the attention on me for any reason. I hated having to speak in front of the class. Moment to moment, I dreaded randomly being called upon to speak. Presentations would give me anxiety for days at a time. Even after the fact I would reflect on every little mistake I had made. Presentation day wasn't a very good week for me.

When my parents said they were getting rid of the IBM, I protested. Taking a bunch of photos of the IBM made me feel a little better. My parents tended to save old things so I didn't have a whole lot of prior experience getting rid of things as a kid. The thought of getting rid of anything was incredibly painful to me. This feeling reinforced my propensity to organize and condense everything while simultaneously trying to avoid acquiring anything new. This applied to items, people and experiences alike.

I started 3rd Grade in 1993. My teacher was Mrs. Levine. I got in trouble for "not listening" quite a bit in her class. Mrs. Levine was upset by how much I would need to be told a second time to do things. She hated that I would always ask "What did I do?" when getting in trouble. A girl named Tiffany was mean to me. I asked her "Why are you always mean to me?" during recess one time and she responded "Because you're ugly." My dad said "Girls do that because they like you", but I didn't believe him.

Mom would take me to Video Depot or Blockbuster Video to rent Sega Genesis games. Mortal Kombat had just come out and kids would talk about it on the playground. Larry told me "I'll bet you don't even know the code for blood!" When I asked my Mom if I could rent Mortal Kombat, she gasped and said "no". I probably wouldn't have liked it anyways.

My Mom took me to Target one time to look for "Lightning Force", a game I had played at Peter's house and wanted to own for myself. I was very surprised that they actually had the game sitting there behind the glass. A man opened the display case and handed me the game. I said, "I've been looking for this game my whole life!" The man laughed and said, "Well, that's a very short life."

I was very affected by music. My favorite songs from the Sonic the Hedgehog series and the Streets of Rage series were strongly linked to my memories of the time. I especially loved the music from Thunder Force 4 (Lightning Force in the US). Beating the game would unlock hidden music from the soundtrack. I would close my eyes and listen to this music for hours curled up beside my bed. Peter commented once, "You're really into music aren't you?"

On 10/31/1993, Larry came over and we made a goofy audio recording on my cassette player. We ate Cheese-It crackers and pretended to beat eachother up. We did this a few times. I realized when listening to these cassettes that I had a much higher level of enthusiasm about making them than Larry did. It confused me that other kids just didn't seem to be "project oriented" like I was, even when the project was their own idea.

In December 1993, my parents bought me a Rabbit Foot Fern. Because I liked the fern, they bought me a Norfolk Pine a few days later. I drew pictures of the plants, created a watering schedule and planned to make a new entry in my "Tree Care Book" each day. When I told my Mom that "I really want to get into these plants", she said "No. No. No." I was surprised by her reaction. On reflection I realized that she knew how obsessive I was and didn't want me to waste my time. This was the first time in my life I was prompted to have such a filter. I became aware of my endless search for things to latch onto and obsess over. My depth of focus was something that set me apart from other people.

My "Tree Care Book" turned into a sketch book. I would pencil-draw still life images of rooms and furniture and add them to the book (which was actually a photo album). Mrs. Levine was impressed by my drawings when I brought them to school. She asked my parents if I would make some sketches for her but I never did.

There was one kid that I would watch getting chased around the playground by other kids. He was very fast and would run with his arms pointed behind his back like the wings of a jet. Now we were in the same class. His name was Bernard Gray. I decided it would be a great idea to point my arms behind my back and see if I could run along with him. He was faster than me but I was persistent. Eventually he realized that I wasn't chasing him and he actually spoke to me. He told me the secret of how to get all the kids to chase you around: literally smack them in the butt, and then run away! He also told me that he ran like that because he was a spaceship. He really liked the shows Star Trek and Transformers. I wanted to be just like him.

I loved the movie Krull. It was a sci-fi adventure story about medieval humans whose planet gets invaded by "slayers" with superior technology. I didn't really understand the story, but the world and the music really made a lasting impression on me. I was very interested in how the movie makers so cleverly used their resources (actors, props, landscapes, etc) to create a convincing world. When playing with my toys, I would do similar challenges. I tried to create castles or spaceships with a limited number of LEGO blocks. I acted out scenes involving whole armies using only a few action figures and visual tricks.

I would draw my own Sonic the Hedgehog levels, but instead of the levels protecting Doctor Robotnik like in the video games, my levels would protect Sonic like he was the level boss. Generally, most of my creations involved protecting something. I would add spikes, armor, traps, et cetera to recreate the feeling I had playing "fortress" with my plush toys. If a character I liked got hurt or died in a movie, I would draw an elaborate contraption (like a robot) that would protect them.

I started 4th Grade in 1994. My teacher was Mrs. Stout. Half way through the year, Mrs. Stout left and was replaced with Mrs. Fort. During the whole second half of the school year, Rancho Mirage Elementary school was being renovated. The entire student body and staff was relocated to the newly built James Workman Middle school during the renovation. I made friends with Ian Rippetoe. He was intelligent, funny, and had a similar temperament to Peter. He was short-tempered and vindictive. One day he would like me and the next he would hate me and I wouldn't know why. He was very into millitary stuff: firearms and the like. I learned a lot about the "gives" in a relationship from Ian.

On my 10th birthday I said "goodbye one digit numbers". I was very sad because I felt like I was physically older and larger than I felt. The complements I was trying to earn from adults would only come because the expectations were low; I was just a kid. I liked that I wasn't perceived as threatening by others if I was young and small. The thought of loosing this status was devastating. I asked my Dad if there was any way to get shorter, and he said "Well, when you get heavier maybe your feet will get flatter".

Bernard and I became real friends. He somehow was fine with always playing what I wanted to play. I would create live-action versions of the computer games I played at the time (such as Dune II). I created a real time strategy game where Bernard would prompt me to build structures and command armies to fight other armies. I created a shooter game where Bernard would use one of my Battletech toys to launch missiles at stationary targets, get points and buy ammo upgrades. I created a turn based game using a bunch of homemade stickers where Bernard would, over many consecutive days, build a civilization and take over the map. Bernard didn't complain much. Our favorite "real" video game was "Gateway to Apshai" on the Commodore 64. When we got angry at eachother for substandard performace in a video game, our word of choice was "foolish". Our favorite games on the Sega Genesis were ones where we played as a team: Streets of Rage 2 and Bio-Hazard Battle.

During our stay at James Workman, I created the "Ant Club". I was very committed environmental conservatism, having a particular soft spot for ants that everyone would step on for fun. Well, this club was for learning about ants with an emphasis on not killing them. I went around inviting everyone to my club. This idea backfired. Once other kids learned that I didn't like them killing ants, they killed more ants just to hurt me. I would offer membership benefits such as Pogs from my collection, but when kids found these to be lacking they killed more ants in retaliation. When I brought a Transformer action figure "Hubcap" to school, it got stolen. I viewed humans as being the enemies of the natural world. The word "human" is what I would shout as an insult. The experience with the Ant Club made me feel more out of place than ever before. When I would play video games, I would imagine that I was destroying the humans and liberating the world for nature. I created illustrated storys about superhero animals killing the humans. The name "Naturian" came from "Nature's Centurion" from around this time in my life.

Our class went on a field trip to Mission San Diego. My Mom came with us as a chaperone and took pictures. Ian and I goofed around a lot around the antique weaponry. I tried to promote the Ant Club by staging a bunch of photos and turning them into a comic strip story where I was the evil "ant killer" who gets beat up by the club members.

Our house was accross the street from a senior living home named Worthington Manor at 70603. I had a "job" walking their dog whose name was Lady Worthington. She was a Yorkshire Terrier. The owner, Donna Kavorkian, had a daughter named Regina Kevorkian. We met and became friends. We would bond over playing with the dog, sometimes kicking a soccerball or walking around. I was very accurate kicking the soccer ball but eneded up completely losing the skill later on. Once for christmas I brought my portable piano into the home and played "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" for the residents. I made tons of errors. Regina and I went to a movie once with her friends Alexis and Tessa. Tessa thought I was gross, but Alexis chased me around trying to kiss me before the movie started.

A kid who was one year older than me named Matt Dailey would frequently bully me during recess. One day, he pushed down onto the ground near the basketball court. I kicked violently into the air and stood up in a fury. I yelled at him, "stop bullying me!" He acted surprised. I don't remember him ever pushing me again after that, but he did make sarcastic comments in my direction from time to time.

Bernard and I would draw elaborate pictures of space-ships during class. I tried to follow the themes that Bernard would come up with: drawing large ships with smaller ships surrounding them. The biggest ship he made was named "The Fisher" and it took up multiple pages. (Bernard had a fish tank with Clown Loaches being his favorite fish.) I fantasize about creating a video game out of my drawings and would model my ships after the levels I would make. The biggest multi-page ship I made was called "The Toligiue".

On 7/17/1995, Nanette, a coworker of my Mom, drove us to the Amtrak station in San Bernardino. We had a trip planned through the Journey's Travel Agency to visit my Grandpa and Grandma Henry in Akron, Ohio. The train ride took 3 days. There was a kid who sat near us who took a great interest in the Gameboy I had with me. He would sit next to me and I would watch him play. I made a written list of all the stops we would take and checked them off as we passed them. On one of the stops, the police arrested a passenger for posession of Marijuana.

Velvet: We went to a swap meet. I picked out an old Vevet tobacco container. I liked the way it looked and the popping noise it made when I squeezed it. Generally, I loved old things that wore their age like badges of quality. I loved to learn (or imagine) details about how they got each of their marks. When given the option, I would always choose a second hand item. Someone else had already taken on the responsibility of choosing the item, making consequential choices about it, and then I get to inherit the gift of all the history written on it. Getting a brand new item always felt like adding to the clutter, while a used item was clutter that already existed.

My parents told me that I had a half-sister named Deena from my Dad's past marriage. This made me extremely angry and possessive. I said, "If she calls you Dad, I'll kill her." In hindsight, I feel terrible for this reaction because Deena had been without a father while I got to enjoy a stable household. When I met Deena, I played with her Son (my nephew) Stephen who was only a few years younger than me.

I started 5th Grade in 1995. My teacher was Mr. Munson. Ian and I would play "word games" during recess. One of us would narrate a story and the other would make choices in the story. Ian was very vocal about finding my narrations boring. I tried to make a millitary themed story for him but he just sighed and made the same bland choices over and over: "puch him and kick him some more". Most of the time it was me playing and him narrating. He kept notes with pictures of all the places I had been and items I had collected. I introduced him to Pokemon. He chose Squirtle as his starting character and named it "Keith". I checked on his game progress from time to time and asked him how he beat various challenges. I got annoyed when his answer was always "Keith". I didn't like how the game could literally be beaten by using a single powerful Pokemon. I insisted that his strategy wouldn't work later in the game (but that wasn't true). I really just wanted him to use a variety of Pokemon so we could talk about them.

Ian revered the Army Special Forces. He said he wanted to become a Green Beret. My Dad let Ian and me dress up in his old Marine Corps clothing and gear for our games. When I played with Ian, I followed his lead and was very serious. When we were at school and other kids were around, I was extremely goofy. This made Ian very angry.

Ian was jealous when I would hang out with Bernard. Once he even physically attacked Bernard during recess. Ian would often get into fights with other kids or verbally attack them trying to start a fight. There was a kid in our class named Justin Aleksa who had a slight speech impediment. Ian and I would bully Justin, calling him "retarded". Once, Ian secretly threw Justin's baseball mitt into the trash and covered it up with paper to make sure it would be gone. He made fun of another kid named Franco, claiming that Franco was "completely illiterate". When the OJ Simpson trial ended, Ian was very upset and surprised by the not-guilty verdict.

During one of our Math quizzes, I got extremely frustrated and repeatedly thrashed around slapping my head. Afterward, Mr. Munson commented that I was "acting like a fool". I was very embarassed since I hadn't intended for anyone else to notice. One day, someone made a comment about how messed up my hair was. I made many trips to the sink wetting my hair and combing it with my hands in a panic. Each time I returned to my seat, I asked George (who sat next to me) if my hair looked okay. I thought this was an appropriate thing to ask. He robotically said, "no" each time until eventually he was fed up and yelled, "Stop asking me that!" I asked Mr. Munson and he said, "It's okay it just looks slick-back."

I still maintained the Ant Club but it was mostly private now. My gym teacher, Mr. Jackson, heard about it and told me "I like what you're doing with this Ant Club thing". I was thankful to hear this but at the time I didn't react. At one point, Ian felt slighted by me (I'm not sure why), so during recess he made a massive spectacle of stepping on ants and kicking over anthills. On another occasion he let me know he was angry with me by leaving a message on my home phone saying, "Today, you escaped by the skin of your teeth." He liked being feared. Just like with Peter, my inability to figure out Ian's behavior somehow drew me to him. It's like the scarcity of good experiences just got me more invested almost like a gambling addiction. I basically forgave every nasty thing he did.

On 6/12/1996 at 9:30am, the 5th grade class at Rancho Mirage Elementary began their promotion exercises. The boys were instructed to hold the elbow of a girl as they walked in pairs onto the bleacher seats. I found this very awkward.

Middle School

I started 6th Grade in 1996 at Nellie N Coffman Middle School. This the first time where I had multiple periods each day with different instructors. I had accepted my reputation as the "weird kid". I gave up trying to do things normally.

In Mrs. Nave's Math class, we were all supposed to pick a job and create a miniature economy: homework collector, pencil sharpener, paper stapler, etc. I decided to make my own job as an insurance broker after my Dad. Mrs. Nave supported me. We would all earn game money each day so I came up with the idea to sell insurance to cover missed days. Edgar Hermosillo figured out that my insurance premiums were set too high. He said, "What a ripoff!" in front of the whole class. It was kind of a catastrophe. I even accidentally payed out Nick Evan's insurance policy for missing class when he didn't even have a policy!

On 4/17/1997 (my birthday), I had "In School Suspension" (ISS) for "horseplay". Mrs. Nave kept telling me to quit being disruptive. The last straw was on 4/16/1997 when I intentionally slammed into a doorway when entering the classroom trying to make other kids laugh. She said, it was for "pushin another student after many warnings and a detention being assigned." I didn't actually push anyone.

I learned a lot about ancient human history by playing Civilization 2 (released 1996). Mrs. McCarthy, our History and English teacher, happened to be covering many of the same topics in class. I would always raise my hand to share odd knowledge. She was impressed that I knew the Carthaginians brought war elephants to attack Rome. Mrs. McCarthy also liked a story I wrote called "Lemon", which was told from the perspective of a wild yellow cat.

Chris Curry told me about Command and Conquer - Red Alert. I got the game on his recommendation and loved it. After completing the game, I downloaded the software called "Red Edit" that allowed me to modify the game's rules. I spent the majority of my time messing around with it. Chris and I didn't go to the same school any more, but we played Red Alert against each other once. He won by sending an overwhelming Allied tank attack against my humble Soviet base and launched a well-timed nuclear missile at the straglers when I sold everything I had in desperation. I never played against him or any other people after that. I enjoyed modifying the game much more than playing it against other humans.

A girl named Danielle passed me a note saying she liked me. This came out of nowhere. I didn't know what to do with this information... so naturally I became obsessed with her. I tried to share all of my nerdy habbits with her. At the time she filled a friend gap that was created during my transition to Middle School. We talked on the phone a lot and sat together at lunch but that was it. I knew she liked the singer "Jewel" but for the most part I just tried to force my interests on her. When she finally had enough she passed me another note saying "I don't have a crush on you any more". This was a huge hit. I cried harder and longer than I ever had before. Then I became extremely creepy. I stared at her in class. I moped around in front of her. I repeatedly asked her friends "why, why, why". I tried to call her over and over again. It was the end of the world.

Lisa Lozano was Danielle's friend. She was always nice to me. In Mrs. Nave's class I made some goofy comment about class work and Lisa said "Whatever your little heart desires!" I pretended to be be grossed out by the mushiness of the statement. Lisa repeated the statement every now and then as a joke. At some point I left a message on Danielle's phone saying "I just wanted to hear your voice even if it's just an answering machine". Lisa laughed about this when she heard about it and then reassured me, "You know there are other girls."

My parents and I went on a vacation to Idyllwild. We unloaded our stuff at a house we had rented for the night from my Mom's friend Jan. There was an acoustic guitar in the house. I had never touched a guitar before so I started tapping a rhythm with my entire hand on the strings without using the frets. I really liked the sound it made and asked my parents if I could have my own guitar. We went to the Idyllwild Nature Center. When it was night time and we were back at the house my parents were having trouble getting the heater to work. A strange man knocked on the door. He was jogging in place and said, "Do you guys have any work I can do? I've been really hard on money." My Dad declined and shut the door. This visit from the stranger put my Dad on edge. He got such a bad feeling that we ended up packing our stuff, closing up and leaving almost immediately. I asked my Dad why we left so soon. He said it was a "sixth sense". I asked what that was and he replied "a sense of danger."

I started 7th Grade in 1997. I still wasn't over Danielle. In Mrs. Fife's Math class, I sat next to one of Danielle's friends, David Liss. Of course I couldn't shut up about Danielle. I asked David if he could forward a message to Danielle asking her to talk to me again. He told me the next day that she "wouldn't talk to me again even if I was the last boy in the world."

My parents had to forclose on our home and we were forced to move. I protested since I was very attached to our house on Sunny Lane. I shared with my parents my nightmares of how terrible a new house would be, even drawing a fantasy picture of it thinking I would talk them out of it. I was so mad at my parents. In hindsight I wish I was more sympathetic since they were suffering the loss of a dream. On 4/15/1997 we moved to a nearby house at at 70120 Chappel Road. It was smaller but it did still have a pool.

We lived next to Maghie Grenier and her kids. Maghie had two cats named Integra and Cera who were allowed to wander around the neighborhood. Integra had a kitten that we named "Boyee" which was a funny way of saying "Boy" that I heard on the Nickelodeon cartoon Doug.

On 11/4/1997, it was Tuesday in Mr Reylik's Science class. Our group (Myself, Bernard, Matt and Larry) were supposed to do a presentation in front of the class. We had rehearsed our presentation the previous Friday. I had brought my keyboard and was going to play tunes at specific times. Everyone was supposed to pause and allow the music to start, but Matt changed to the next overhead slide before Bernard was done talking, so there was no gap for me to play in. Then Larry started talking too soon after I was done with my speaking part; I didn't have time to run back to the keyboard and play anything. Then the wrong overhead slide was put up before I could play the third and final time. I didn't get to play the keyboard at all! I explained to my group that they hadn't given me any opportunity to play. Larry said, "No. You could have played." He was right: I could have just interjected the songs but I wasn't able to adjust fast enough. I was still upset that the group didn't stick to the timings we had agreed on.

In Mr. Eve's Social Studies class, I did a class assignment with Ashley Holcomb once where we needed to interpret a historical painting. She was on the cheer team. She was very nice to me. I became acquainted with her friend Karena Figueroa too. At some point I sat at the same table with Danielle. This was a while after the "last boy in the world" comment. I was very interested in improving her opinion of me. I wanted to come off as "charming" so I sat there with a massive, wide eyed smile on my face all the time... because that's what charming people do.

In Mrs. Darwin's Geography class, we would report current events in front of the class each week. The regularity of these presentation relieved some of my anxiety, but I still hated it. I had trouble focusing on other kids' current events until mine was done and I could relax. Adam Cheng would always do his current event about Puff Daddy. The first time Adam would say "Puff Daddy" each week, there would be audible groans from the class. However, I admired his dedication. Mrs. Darwin graded our Western Art Projects very harshly. Many parents complained about the low grades.

In 1997, my parents again let me use their camera to record VHS tapes. The stories I created were tonally confused, rapidly switching between serious and goofy. When recording, I had specific ideas for what I wanted the audience to understand, but most of these ideas just played out in my head and never on tape. I narrated too much during the videos and still needed even more narration while watching because the story just didn't tell itself. Eventually, I just recorded short skits that made me (and nobody else) laugh. These struggles continued with games I created later on. It took me a while to discover the value of non-verbal storytelling.

I would see Justin Aleksa during PE and make rude comments. I don't know why I was mean to him; he had never done anything mean to me. Justin was friends with some older kids. One day, at the end of PE, Justin walked up to me and asked "Why do you always pick on me?" I responded, "because you're retarded". Right then, Justin punched me in the cheek and ran back to his older friends who were jumping and cheering loudly for him. I just stood there unable to process what had just happened. Justin walked back up and asked "Can I punch you again?" and I said "Yes." Justin punched me again in the exact same way, running back to his cheering crowd of friends. The older boys probably put him up to it after hearing how much I made fun of him. This was him finally getting back at me. Later, Larry asked me, "Why did you just let him punch you?" I said, "I didn't." Larry shook his head and walked away.

I started playing Magic the Gathering and collecting the cards around the time of the Tempest and Stronghold expansions to the game. I would play with a group of kids during lunch recess. This is where I met Don Bolda and became closer friends with Nick Evans. In this game there was a tribe of nomadic humans called the "Ghitu" that Don was fond of. He adopted Ghi-Tu as his gamer nickname. Don would later become my roommate all 4 years at the University of Redlands.

I was always creating games: card games, board games, storytelling games and especially video games. I would draw detailed pictures of video game levels I wished I could create. I drew hundreds of them, most of them involving Sonic the Hedgehog. My Mom introduced me to the Basic programming language. My parents gave me a Commodore 64 and I created tons of rudimentary games that I stored on 5¼ inch floppy discs.

Domino's Pizza was sold at lunch, and every day I would get in line and buy a personal Pizza for $2. I would always sit at the same table. Sometimes Don would sit with me. Sometimes Andres would. Sometimes I would make an absurd comment accross the table at Larry and he would call me stupid. I met a fellow goofball named Ryan Apodaca at PE. We would make eachother laugh by yelling "GAAAA-UUUUU" and saying "pst" to people for no reason. Our friendship didn't last long. The one time I invited him over to our house he threw a lawn chair into the pool and my Mom's wedding ring went missing.

I was in Mr. Libutti's Reading class. Larry was in the class too. Other kids would make faces at me during silent reading time. Mr Libutti called me "creative" once after reading something I turned in. This compliment caused me to go overboard with doing extra compositions trying to impress him. Each page of my composition book was a different format with pictures and sometimes games. I tried to be very self-aware and make fun of myself a lot. My words of choice to describe myself and my interests were "creepy", "messed up" and "dumb". He played along and always responded thoughtfully.

My parents would get me a bunch of "demo" games on CD as part of a subscription service. I discovered Baldur's Gate this way and ended up getting the full game. It was a role-playing game where you travel a world on many adventures. Ian and I played it online on one occasion. You can have up to 6 characters in your party at a time, but I always chose to play the game with just my single starting character. I didn't like the disjointed feeling of having multiple characters to control; I liked to feel connected to my one character. I eventually tried Diablo in hopes that it would be exactly like Baldur's Gate.

I started 8th Grade in 1998.

Mr. Drone was my teacher for Biology class. I was pretty silly in his class. I often sat next to a girl named Baudelia Heredia. Before class started one day Baudelia asked me "Do you want to go out with me?". We always goofed around in class; nothing either one of us said was ever serious. I said "Hell no" without even thinking. I wasn't serious, and I didn't think she was either. I know I hurt her feelings, but I said absolutely nothing after that.

In Mrs. Stuhl's Algebra class I sat next to George for part of the year. He would get annoyed when I asked him questions. Once when I looked at his notes he stabbed my hand with his pencil.

After PE, my left big toe would really hurt and when I took my shoe off there would be blood. My Mom identified the problem as an ingrown toenail. For almost a year, we tried all kinds of methods to get it to heal, but every time it seemed to be improving, I would injure it at school. When I told other kids about it, they would step on it deliberately. This was extremely painful. One time, Larry stepped on it (probably by accident) and when I took my shoe off exposing a very bloody sock he said, "Wow, you were telling the truth". Eventually my Mom took me to urgent care. After giving me an anaesthetic shot in my toe (ow), they cut the entire ingrown side of the nail out. The doctor whistled after he did the operation which really annoyed me. After that it was actually able to heal, but the nail bed was so damaged that the toenail would never grow back the same. The toe isn't even shaped right anymore.

Mrs. Crase was my English teacher. Don was in the class with me. He had a crush on Desiree. Once he called her a "chick" and she responded "hippie chick". We all had to memorize a different part of the poem The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere. I had the two paragraphs between "Then he climbed the tower of the Old North Church" and "On the rising tide, like a bridge of boats." Later we put on a murder mystery play named Whodunnit where I played an exterminator named "Jake". My parents bought me a long black trench coat and a black hat for the role. I had grand thoughts of pulling off this mysterious creepy character. When it came to show-time with everyone's parents watching, I put on the most disappointing, monotone, robotic performance ever. Near the end of the year, each student wrote a letter adressed to the nearby high school, CCHS, advertising ourselves as prosepctive new honor role students. I was very goofy in my letter. After Mrs. Crase review them, she looked at me and said in front of the class "Santino, do you have issues?" I didn't understand what she meant so I just said "no".

My parents bought me Starcraft for the PC. I was very interested because it was a real time strategy (RTS) game just like Red Alert. I tried the first level of each of the three factions. When I got to the Zerg, I couldn't handle the gore and the sounds the Marines made when they died. This was the most graphically violent game I had ever played and it overwhelmed me. After telling my parents they returned the game.

In 1999, I started playing Lands of Lore III. It was created by Westwood Studios, the same company that created the Command and Conquer games. It was a role playing game (RPG) where you could make tons of choices that took your character in unique directions. This was the first fully three dimensional RPG I had ever played. The story, musical score and environment just pulled me in. Because of how immersive the game was, I got a lot a satisfaction from this game that rivaled real life. I looked forward to coming home from school to explore and collect things that had nothing to do with the main story line.

I learned a lot about myself from playing Lands of Lore III. I was sad that the game was finite. I wished that it went on forever. I was sad that as the story progressed the world changed and you couldn't access the previous versions of the world. This was just part of the story, but what I valued most was my ability to "stop" the story. I wanted to preserve the game as best I could to allow myself access to as much of it as possible at any given time. This meant, collecting mementos from everywhere and avoiding things that had irreversible outcomes. I did everything I could to defy the inaccessibility of the past. This is also what I tried to do in every area of my life. Keep everything; preserve everything. If I simplified or ritualized something, it became easier to keep.

Ian got me into playing the demo to Starsiege: Tribes. This was the first shooter game I ever liked. The developers released quite a lot of content with the demo to this game (probably too much). Ian, as "Shadow", made clan called the Airborne Rangers (ABR). I played online with him and other people he recuited: ABR Brent, ABR Motel6 and ABR Vulkan. I spent a lot of time making a mod for this game both on the demo and eventually on the full release of the game. It was the first game I played online regularly with a lot of people.

In 1999, my parents bought me Cakewalk Home Studio Version 3. It came with a keyboard that plugged into my computer and allowed me to record music tracks in the MIDI format. I absolutely loved it. My first completed song was named "Goldish". I thought it sounded radio quality (it didn't). Over time, I learned a lot about the difference between my musical tastes and those of others. I liked "noisy" music, filled with sounds that others found obnoxious. Eventually I learned that subtracting sounds away can sometimes make things sound better.

In 1999, my Dad bought a Dell Dimension PC. It came with a copy Windows 98 and the games Descent: Freespace Darkness Rising and Expendable. I didn't really try Descent, but I played Expendable a little bit. It was a top-down arcade style shooter game where two people could play cooperatively on a single keyboard. I played it a couple times with Bernard.

High School

I started Freshmen year of High School at Cathedral City High School (CCHS) in 1999. I started out in the AVID program. AVID stood for "Advancement Via Individual Determination". It was a progream for students who wanted to focus on getting into college. AVID was as a class we would take each year that focused on concepts from all the other classes. We got grades for the "Cornell Notes" that we took. Our teacher was Mr. Newton. He was very dedicated to the teaching art of repetition. I met Nathan Oakes in AVID. Our sense of humor was very similar and we were both into fantasy games. Ashley was in this class too. There were two kids, Ignacio (Nacho, in the AVID class) and Dimitri who were bullies. They would frequently kick my backpack and taunt me.

I sat next to Nathan in Mrs. Gardner's English class. I called Nathan "Pagan Guy" and he called me "Latin Guy". As a class we acted out the play "Romeo and Julet". I played Mercutio and Nathan played Tybalt. We had a duel with Funoodles after which Mercutio humorously impales himself and dies. I spoke the lines but didn't really comprehend what they meant.

I wrote a goofy science fiction story about myself, Nathan and two other classmates, Jon Pais and Baron Holmes, where we were all a team of quirky superheroes. When I added to the story I was always excited to share it with the people who were in it. This story was just one of many instances where I would essentially plea for the interest and acceptance of other people by injecting them into my projects. I would express extreme interest in other people's projects too (overshadowing their own interest), in order to experience vicarious acceptance from them. The reason I did (and do) this is due to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): an extreme sensitivity to feelings of rejection. In my case, I felt rejection whenever someone didn't take interest my projects. To avoid this feeling I would avoid people entirely, but eventually I would feel too lonely. My alternative was to build my projects around them.

It bothered me that the video games I made couldn't compare graphically to professional console games. This is another reason why I started making other kids into characters in my games. Using the Qbasic language, I created a fighting game with each of my friends (and acquaintances with whom I sought acceptance) featured as playable characters. This way at least those kids included in the game might be interested. None of them really seemed to care for longer than the time I was demonstrating the game to them.

Nathan knew that I liked programming. He found a game engine called the Original Hamster Republic Role Playing Game Creation Engine (OHRRPGCE), made a few graphics on it and then showed me what he had done. He named it "The Four" after that funny sci-fi saga I was writing that featured four of our classmates as main characters. I took up working on it. The Four became the single biggest project I had ever embarked on. It allowed me to make use of my MIDI music in its sound track. It allowed me to combine characters and places from past projects. It combined basically all the skills I had developed in life.

My Geometry teacher was Mr. Polkinghorn. He had a good sense of humor, often mispronouncing students' names on purpose. Every Wednesday, he would arch his back and make a big announcement that it was "Hump Day". He pronounced some studens' names humourously, like Raul was "Raaaaaa...OOOOOOL" and Heather Huettl was "HUEETL". I would constantly twirl my pencil in my hand during classes. Sometimes I didn't realize I was doing it. Occasionally people would say it was cool, but one time someone who sat accross from me looked annoyed and shook his head. This was the first time I realized it bothered people and I hid it after that.

I took my first year of Spanish in Mr. Coffey's class. This class was one of the worst for my public speaking anxiety. Not only was speaking in front of the class mandatory and frequent, but the probablility of making an error was especially high. Some of the native speakers would audibly refuse to work with me or outright call me names in class. Once when a group of kids was making fun of me, a girl who was a year older than me named Jaqueleen Teran (Jackie) said "Shut up! He's going to be hot when he gets older!" This was the first time anyone had ever come to my rescue like that.

Nick and I were in Mrs. Smith's PE class. We both got picked on a lot, so Mrs. Smith made Nick and me into her helpers. We would set up and take down the field which kept us mostly out of reach of bullies. A cheeleader named Heather Stoik was particularly disguted by me and I don't know why. Maybe she thought I had a crush on her since we had Spanish class together (I didn't). I earned a lot of bullying when during flag football I intecepted the ball and began running in the wrong direction; the direction the opposing team was trying to run.

Just like in Middle School, my parents always gave me $2 to buy a personal Domino's pizza from the vendor at lunch, and that's what I happily ate every single day at lunch. During lunch some of the teachers would leave their doors open for students to hang out. I would go to one of the science rooms to play Magic with Nathan, Nick and a senior named Michael Wallace who everyone called "Mankind". Another senior named Elliot Klinge was hailed as the most experienced at the game. Everyone would ask Elliot if there were disagreements about the rules. I would sometimes bring in a deck of custom cards I had created.

I observed how people walked during passing period and made up classifications for how people walked. There were people like myself and Bernard who were "Gap Seekers", walking alone and weaving through people as efficiently as possible. There were bigger people who walked slowly and everyone avoided them. There were people who walked in clusters, meandering around and obstructing the movement of everyone else. There were people who sat on the planters waiting for the crowd to dissipate and then running to their class at the last moment.

In July 2000, we moved to a house with similar floor-plan at 37520 Chappel Road at the corner of Da Vall.

Even as a teenager, I would whine, scream and yell at home. When I had to read something, when I was asked to do chores or when something got misplaced, I would throw tantrums. At some point, I started to have introspection about my own behavior: My peers probably aren't still acting this way at home, and I would be very embarassed if they knew I did. Altering my behavior was very difficult since I would easily loose control over certain things and be unable to calm myself down.

I started Sophomore year in the year 2000. This was the year "Y2K" that everyone was afraid of mass software failures due to overflow errors in digital date storage. Mr. Newton commented on the beard I didn't realize I had grown over the summer.

I withdrew from the AVID program. Being forced to take notes during class was a needless burden for me and I was getting bad grades in it. I never normally took written notes. The mechanics of constantly looking down to write things distracted me and I wouldn't retain anything. I missed Mr. Newton and the AVID class, but it was the right choice for me.

In Fall 2000, my Mom (Sharon) participated in the Relay for Life event for the American Cancer Society hosted by Eisenhower Medical Center where she worked as a Monitor Technitian at 3 North. She hand made dozens of human shaped plush toys that wore tiny Relay for Life shirts.

My Algebra teacher was Mrs. Tounsley. Ashley sat behind me in her class. Mrs. Tounsley was very pretty; lots of other boys made comments as such. Her assigments were worth a thousand points with a hundred bonus points if we finished early! She gave away the purpose of this point scale during open house. It was to make it more appealing to finish early despite only being worth a small fraction of the total points. I would often stay in her class during brunch rather than hanging out with other kids. Once I figured out an overly complicated way of computing triangular numbers (sums of consecutive integers). I said it might be a "mathematical breakthrough", but she seemed doubtful. She said that was her last year at the school since she was getting married and moving away. Her last name would be "Curtis". I told her "That's going to be weird."

I was in Mr. Nicholas's Spanish class. Nathan was there and so was Manuel Rodriguez, a native speaker a year older than us. He shared some of our humor. At some point I realized that the teacher didn't really read what we turned in; he just looked for completeness. So I would say permutations of "me gustaria cocinar perros" over and over on assignments. Nathan and I would laugh about it. Mr. Nicholas did end up catching me once and told me "nice try". I liked Mr. Nicholas. A lot of kids were very disrespectful to him in his class which made me feel bad about trying to deceive him.

I started playing Diablo 2. I didn't try to play online, I just played by myself as a Sorceress using the Inferno ability. I came up with the name "Khalixxa" for my character. It was a mix between "Kangaxx" a Lich from the game Baldur's Gate 2, and "Lyssa" the princess from the movie Krull. Nick told me that I should play online since it was "a much better waste of time". Around the time that the expansion, Lord of Destruction, came out I took his advice. As someone who liked to mess with the rules of a game, I would be tempted to cheat if the option was available. This was the case with any offline game. I really liked that online Diablo 2 prevented me from cheating. I perceived this as adding value to the time I spent playing it.

My cousin Richard played bass guitar in a band named Crashcart. They released an album November For Beginners in the year 2000. Richard gave me a copy of his album on CD. I didn't know until then that Richard had a band. I asked him what kind of music it was and he said "Alternative Rock". He said it was like rock but with "longer notes". It bothered me that people were only impressed by immitations of popular music and never by original pieces. Immediately I jumped at the opportunity to engage with Richard's music. I wanted to give him what I had always wanted for my own projects: interest.

I started Junior year in 2001.

In Mrs. Caine's English class we read Ethan Frome and The Ox Bow Incident. Over the summer we had to read Uncle Tom's Cabin and do homework before class even started. This infuriated me and made me hate the subject even more. These books are already fictions that focus on being as inefficient as possible in getting their message across. I had trouble understanding the difference between subjective and objective. I embarassed myself in front of the class by giving an extremely metaphorical description of a "day" when it was supposed to be objective.

Our first day back from summer break when we all lined up to register for classes, I decided that I should be persuing Ashley as my girlfriend. It just made sense. She had always been nice to me and most of the other girls I had crushes on didn't know I existed. I would hold the door open for my classmates during passing period hoping she would walk by and say "hi" (this would make or break my day). I called her more often too.

In Mr. Mussi's Calculus class, there was a Senior, James Engel, who would jokingly tell people to "leave", and I found that extremely funny. James would work the word "leave" into statements just to make me laugh. I would mispronounce the "Fromage" (the french word for cheese) trying to make James laugh. Mr. Mussi was the only teacher who listened to my MIDI music; he said it was "great". I showed him an overly complicated method for doing the derivative of a power function (the power rule) before we learned it in class. After a quiz, Mr. Mussi asked me how I ended up getting a specific square root for an answer that couldn't actually be written that way. It was just a neat looking approximation I found with the spare time I had, but I said "I don't remember."

My American History teacher was Mr. Conklin. I was in his class when we watched the collapse of the world trade center on television. Mr. Conklin's son, Eamon Conklin, was in this class too.

Near the end of the year in Calculus, we competed to see who could complete a given problem on the whiteboard the fastest (my nightmare). When I thought it was my turn I stood and said, "Well, we've all got to die some time." When it actually was my turn I competed against Martin Griswold on an integral that required partial fraction decomposition. Martin finished first. Mr. Mussi said he thought I was going to finish first since I did the decomposition first, but I forgot to do the final step and just stood there thinking I was done.

Those little Domino's Pizza boxes had a serial code on the bottom. Nathan noticed that part of it always said "BUC-DA". If you pronounce this it sounded like "What the". We thought this was very funny, and started to say "BUC-DA" in situations where we would normally be surprised by something. I turned this phrase into an incantation that Nathan would use in the story I was writing.

When prompted, I would tell people I wanted to be a Biochemist. Biology was my favorite science subject, but then I liked Chemistry more and didn't want to do a hard switch so I mixed the two. I progressively took more and more fundamental sciences and arrived at the most fundamental of all, Physics. I always hated how people would cover up the inner workings of things. We put drywall over our plumbing and electrical systems. We put covers over our computer hardware. We run away creaming from mathematics and science. We try to hide the most important and beautiful things. It's stupid.

My Physics teacher was Mr. Toigo. I spent lots of time talking to him between and after classes. I sat next to a Senior named Norma Diaz. After we got our yearbooks, one of Norma's friends, Elena Pelen, wrote in my yearbook that Norma would date me. I was goofy in Physics class which might have been why she developed an attraction, but now I became very shy. I started hanging out with her at lunch, but that's as far as it went. The year was over. I heard thar Mr. Toigo had left the school after that to get his masters degree in Physics.

My Biology teacher was Mr. Fleener. I sat next to Kristin Peterson who was dating Don at the time. They both called me "smart dude" as a nickname. Heather Huettl was my partner when we dissected a cat. She played along when I deliberately mispronounced the date, "Is it the twenty oneth'd?" and she said "No, it's the twenty twoth'd!" Adam Knutson once asked me for help in Physics. I agreed to meet him in Mr. Toigo's room after school, but I waited around and he never showed up. There were bullies in this class. One day I discovered a "Touch me I'm feeling fruity" sign taped to my back after I left the class.

In Mr. Coffey's Spanish class one day, we were supposed to walk around the room having brief exchanges with other students. When Martin Griswold walked up to me and initiated an exchange, I just acted goofy. Martin said "Dude, get out of your box." It hurt my feelings, but I could't blame him for being annoyed with my defense mechanism. I sat next to Khalil Amin, brother of Fakih Amin who I had been in the AVID class with. Khalil also wrote MIDI music. I asked to hear his music and he gave me a floppy disc containing his songs.

I started using KaZaA to browse for music that I liked, which until that point was extremely rare. Napster (the file sharing program) had been around for two years at this point. I didn't really like anything that played on the radio or anything that other kids liked. Video game music was all I really cared for until I discovered Techno on KaZaA. In a matter of months I had doubled the number of songs I liked. When I really liked a song, I would listen to it hundreds of times in a row so that it got permanently associated by memory with whatever I was playing or creating at the time.

I created a game called "Macrophage" using the QBasic language. It was a shooter game where you played as a white blood cell that leveled up and got stronger. Nathan Oakes would play Macrophage at school during our breaks. When I made updates to it he would take the file home on a floppy disc and then show me later how far he had progressed while playing at home. I regret not showing my appreciation to him for investing so much into my game.

On 2/14/2002, even though I was no longer enrolled in the AVID class, I went with the class on the AVID College Tour. My Mom went with me. I had a very hard time fitting in with people; being goofy didn't have the effects I was going for and nobody shared my interests in conversation. I was still depressed over the state of my relationship with Ashley and I constantly talked about her to my Mom. We traveled by bus to various colleges and universities in California: Santa Clara University, Saint Mary's College, Stanford University, Cogswell Polytech, UC Santa Cruz, UC Berkeley, UC Davis, CSU Sacramento, College of Notre Dame and CSU Bakersfield. The trip lasted 3 days and 3 nights until 2/17/2002.

I started Senior year in 2002.

I would hang out with Nathan Oakes and Robert Bateman in Mr. Brown's room during brunch. Robert and I would make eachother laugh by inventing absurd anime style attacks with inappropriate names like "Necromancy" which involved standing like a flamingo and "Apocalypse" which was a simple prod with a finger.

I took Mr. Krishka's Weight Lifting class. Ben Weber and Kevin Ibarra were in the class with me. Kevin and I had a joke where we would interrupt eachother mid sentence, make strong eye contact and say something like "Hey, do I look like someone who cares?" or we would mock our own misfortunes by saying "Awwwwwwww. I don't care!" Kevin said that Lena Katina from the band t.A.T.u. was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Ben was quiet and kind. I never saw him get angry. He did have this habbit of saying he was bored a lot of the time. I was always trying to entertain people, so this hit me in a weak spot.

That Fall, I rode my bike to our High School play, Arsenic and Old Lace. I had never been in the audience of a play before nor had I ever voluntarily ridden my bike to a place where no close friends would be. The feeling was strangely liberating. Once I went the second time, I felt personally obligated to keep up the pattern and keep going. Taylor Bartlet and Adam Smith (cast members) would remember that I was there the night before. It felt good to give them validation for their hard work. I went to every single showing of this play. Even so, I never understood the plot nor the motivations of the characters at all. I was just facinated by the strategies and patterns that the actors used.

I spoke to our school councilor, Mrs. Van Houten, to ask about the possibility of Ashley transfering into my Chemistry class in mid year. Ashley found out and got very upset. I didn't understand. All I wanted was to see her more; I was too afraid to ask her out or say I liked her. Ashley stopped talking to me. I kept talking to Karena but she too eventually got annoyed that all I ever talked about was Ashley. I had this crazy idea to bike all the way to Ashley's house in Desert Hot Springs to impress her. This would have been almost 20 miles uphill which was beyond my capability. My Dad rightfully refused to allow it and I got extremely upset.

Ashley got a job at Chuck E Cheese and needed a ride home after work each night. We started talking again and I volunteered to be her ride using my parents' Toyota Camry. I would buy Haagen-Dazs Peach Sorbet for her every night before picking her up. We would talk on the 25 mile drive back to her house. I always hated leaving.

Nick and I would sit at an outdoor table with Felicia Mercer and talk during brunch. One time while Nick and I were on our way there, a kid I didn't know jumped out of a seat in front of me with their hand up as if expecting a high-five. I was always very slow to process unexpected events like this. I paused briefly and then just continued walking. Nick said "You handled that very poorly." In the past, kids had done similar things and then withdrawn their hand to make a spectacle of me in front of their friends. This was probably just another one of those times.

Mrs. Roos was my English teacher again. Somehow I was in AP English. My reading skill may have looked okay on the outside, but I was (and am) terrible at absorbing information through reading. I need to reread sentences over and over again. My comprehension rate was always below average (less than 60 wpm at age 30). I absolutely HATED studying literature and I would constantly complain about the lack of rules. "Good" english literature focuses on being as vague and indirect as possible. The goal is to confuse and never to communicate. I couldn't get myself interested enough in any fiction book to read even a single page from most of them: Moby Dick, To Kill a Mockingbird, Candide, The Great Gatsby, Grapes of Wrath, Crime and Punishment... I just didn't care. Throughout my entire time as a high-school student, I would never read a single book. I never even coherently read a single page! Either my Mom read the books to me, I skimmed summaries (Cliff's Notes) or I simply scanned the books and focused on a narrow band of information to pretend that I actually understood them. This is one reason I preferred mathematics: the goal of an equation is utility.

I was the academic tutor for Mr. Cormier's Statistics class. It was full of familiar people. This was very exciting for me, since I felt that I would finally become the “interesting” kind of person I always looked up to. Thomas Martin and I would make eachother laugh by unexpectedly snapping our fingers into a thumbs-up position. At the end of each day I would remind the class that I was going to stay for a half hour to help with homework or studies before my Dad would pick me up. When nobody would stay, I would swing by the library to make sure nobody was there before going home. That entire semester not a single person stood after class nor asked me a single question outside of class. I would often come home in a bad mood and rave to my parents about how nobody asks any questions even though I know they should because they're struggling. My parents would advise not to take it personally.

When finals came along, I invited everyone over to my house for a review. Four people out of the twenty attended, and for a little while it felt as if the whole prior semester of frustration was worth it. Learning this little bit about how other students behave was a real turning point for me. Even the “good” students seemed to put in only the minimum amount of effort to get a passing grade and showed no interest in learning any skills that weren’t explicitly demanded. I mentioned my observations to Mrs. Van Houten who tried to console me by saying, "Their attitude won’t get them very far in college." This didn’t really make me feel better though. I wanted them to become interested. I needed something to connect me with humankind again.

I was never good at directly interacting with other kids, which made game creation especially great for me. It put a neutral entity in the middle. Tutoring did this too, since a neutral entity (the subject) was in the middle. My Mom gave me advice for talking with other kids: "Interested is interesting". Whenever I learned that another person had an interest of some kind, I would become interested myself and ask all kinds of questions. Essentially, I was giving them something that I greatly desired myself. Usually, this drove people away. It was very hard for me to process this, because I felt like I was doing the ultimate act of service.

Even at age 18, I would yell at the top of my lungs at home. The fastest way for me to become angry was when I got interrupted. When I was in the middle of a project and I suddenly couldn't find something I needed because it got moved by someone else, I would become enraged. I would leave things lying around expecting them to remain when I returned. I didn't see any alternative way to complete things at the scale that was necessary.

Felicia asked me to prom during Mrs. Roos's class. I would have gone with her, but I was still crushing over Ashley. Even though Ashley was already going to prom with someone else, I was too stubborn to go with anyone else. I told Felicia that I was just going to go with friends. This wasn't true.

On 5/31/2003 I went to our high school Prom. It was the only dance I ever went to. I had rented a tuxedo from Tuxedo Exchange for $100. On the way to the venue in Palm Springs I got lost and screamed at my parents in panic over the phone. I was way out of my element. On arrival, I tried to break my massive anxiety by trying to be goofy as usual. I felt so naked. I just wanted to be covered up and hidden. I didn't even have a plan. I needed to stand out somehow otherwise Ashley wouldn't notice me, but the only thing I knew was being awkward. Thomas Martin seemed to enjoy this robotic movement I did with my neck. I may have even convinced some other guys to spin around on their butts. Those were my crowning achievements.

Our Senior trip was to Six Flags Magic Mountain. We took a Greyhound bus and stayed until closing time. I had brought a CD player with my MIDI music on it and Robert Bateman listened to it on the bus ride back home. He liked the music and said I was "talented". This meant a lot to me. I was always frustrated by how the average person was not impressed by music unless it was a cover of pupular music on the radio. They didn't have any standards for how good the music was, only that it fits with a status quo. They would believe things based on the authority of the source and not on any objective standards for belief beyone that.

I tried to find a song on KaZaA that I thought Ashley would like. All the music that other people listened to was equally unappealing to me; I had no idea why they liked it. I found the song Salma ya Salama by Alabina. This song was upbeat, happy and sounded good. For all I knew it fit right in with radio music. It was a Spanish cover of a popular Egyptian dance song. Ashley said "What the heck is this?"

Before dropping Ashley off after work one night, we parked in the Bus Dropoff of a school. She asked to use my chapstick that I always had with me. She proceeded to put an inordinate amount of chapstick on herself. She then asked, "Do you want some?" and I said "Sure". She totally kissed me then, but I legitimately thought she was trying to share the chapstick after using too much. We put on music. I tried to dance which made Ashley laugh even though I was legitimately trying to dance. The police came at some point to say we couldn't park there.

On May 23 while I drove her back home she said "I think I realized that I love you". That opened the floodgates for me and I said, "I think I've been in love with you." We hung out a lot that summer. It ended with me driving her back home with NSYNC's "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You" playing. She cried because she thought that would be the end of our relationship.

On June 11, we graduate High School.

Undergraduate at University of Redlands

In 2003, my Mom did the entire application process for me and I was accepted to the University of Redlands. Throughout my student career, my parents did all the non-accademic work for me: paid for my phone, paid for my insurance, made all my loans payments (including forebearance requests), registered me for classes, applied for jobs and drove me around.

Don was also accepted to the University of Redlands and we became roommates at East Hall. He's the reason why I chose Redlands over other schools. Don said he didn't quite feel like a "boy" nor like a "man" quite yet; more like a "dude" or a "guy". Ashley got accepted to California State University San Marcos and moved into a dorm on campus with Karena. She wanted to get a degree in Journalism. Unexpectedly, I ran into Regina who had moved into the same dorm with Don and me.

Bernard kept in touch with people from high school. Without him I would have fallen out of contact with everyone. He connected me more closely with some people who were previously on acquaintances, such as Elliot Klinge, Geoff Klinge, Ben Weber, Billy Weber, Jon Frick and Brandon Moody. My parents picked me up every weekend. I would meet Bernard and other friends to play D&D or MTG at Bernard's clubhouse or to eat at the local Denny's. Ben was a student at ITT Tech. He made some friends, Ryan Woodruff and Riley Eaton, who became part of our group. Ben would ask "Guess What?" and if someone said "What?" he would respond "You guessed it!" as trap.

Don was in a General Physics class with Jon Novales and Amanda Kattan. Don's initial impression of Jon was that he was arrogant saying things like "Don't questions my answer", but the three of them became friends. I got to know Jon and Amanda through Don and we became a tight group for the remainder of our years at the University of Redlands.

Don was in ROTC and worked at the In'N'Out on Tippecanoe Street in San Bernardino. I got a job working in the Irvine Commons, which was the name for the cafeteria on campus. I worked on the service line making sandwiches. When I was assigned to a different station, I was very uncomfortable and didn't do as well. After making someone's sandwich I would always ask them if they wanted it cut vertically or diagnonally. I also would twirl my knife in the same way as a pencil. This got me taken aside by my boss.

One night, Regina was drunk in our room and apparently Don thought she was hitting on me. (I had no clue as usual.) Don told Ashley, "Regina was all over him but he didn't even do anything!" He didn't know that Ashley and I were a couple, so that's the conversation when Ashley told him. Don was dating a girl named Martina, but he broke up with her in hopes of dating a different girl named Cory-Ann. Don and I went on a trip to San Marcos once (he drove). This was in response to Ashley being upset about how I never came down to visit her even though she would often come to my parent's house on weekends to visit me. I surprised her by walking into her dorm room at San Marcos while on the phone with her pretending to still be in Redlands.

At night, I started going to the math department in Hentchke hell when tutoring was happening. I wasn't there to seek help though; instead I acted as a tutor and helped other students. The other tutors (who were paid to be there), Adam Denlinger and Joseph Alaniz, asked me when I was going to start getting paid. This is where I first met Amanda in person. She was there seeking help. I sat next to her, wrote the nonsense word "dilge" on a paper, pointed to it and then spoke the word out loud, "dilge". This goofyness was the only way I knew how to break the ice with people. She seemed amused by this and we continued to produce more nonsense words throughout the session. Amanda was particularly entertained by quirks of the English language, as was I.

Dr. Kent Smith was my professor for Freshmen seminar class in Environmental science. He said things like "When your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" and "A marker for your success as a student is when you realize how little you know". He took us on a tour of the Environmental Systems Research Institute (ESRI) to show us some career options. When I spoke with him privately once, he complimented me saying "Your real competition isn't at this school". I didn't really like competing with anyone, but I knew what he meant. Our final project for this class was to pick a problem that we think threatens the world the most. I picked overpopulation. When I pitched the idea to him, he expressed doubt that this was a serious problem, but I stuck with it anyways. During my presentation, when I realized I was running out of alloted time I froze up and couldn't continue speaking. I hated time limits.

Don and Regina were in Dr. Chowdhury's Econimics class with me. Regina informed me that I had purchased the study guide for the class rather than the text book. I was enraged by this, asking "Why would they sell a product that has the same cover as the text book? To fool people into buying it?" Don would fall asleep in this class. Once Dr. Chowdhury threw a piece of chalk across the room at him to wake him up. Since I hadn't declared a major yet, Dr. Chowdhury would encourage me to become an Economics major, "Come on! Economics major!" I was flattered by his effort but ultimately the natural sciences were too alluring.

In August 2003, family members from Italy, Michele Labbate and his wife Erika Saletti, visit my parents house. Michele is my 2nd Cousin. He is the son of Renato Labbate who is the son of Giuseppe Labbate my grand-uncle, brother of my father's father.

In 2004, I began Sophomore year at the University of Redlands, declaring a double major in Physics and Mathematics. Don and I lived in Fairmont Hall, a dorm with almost exclusively men. There were some guys who set up their Nintendo 64 in the lobby and would play Super Smash Brothers. My only experience playing this game before was getting trounced by Nathan who liked playing Pikachu. Don, who liked playing Link, and I, who like playing Jigglypuff, would regularly join in and play. This motivated me to get a Ninendo 64 of my own at home.

I would have continued tutoring for free, but joining the payroll was an excuse to stop working at the cafeteria. I finally became an official tutor for the Math department. It paid $10 an hour or about $945 a year.

Ashley left San Marcos after her first year. She moved to 74277 Myrsine Avenue in Palm Desert with a roommate named Calissa (Carly Freiley). She worked at Barnes and Noble for a while and then got a job at Babe's BBQ and Brewery.

In Linear Algebra, Dr. Cornez gave the class a fun worksheet where we needed to decode a message. Alexi was the first to announce that the message was "Mah e ufun!" Dr. Cornez looked confused until it was discovered the real message was "MATH IS FUN" spelled like "M@H IS FUN". Alexi had humorously deduced his "MAH I UFN" from an incomplete message with some letters reversed. We started to say "MAH I UFN" as a joke. I was never bored during this class but always had a hard time staying awake. When I finally discovered that eating a doughnut for breakfast was the reason, I switched to a 50/50 mixture of Cheerios and Raisin Bran instead.

Don got involved with performing as a stand-up comedian. At comedy night each week in the basement of Bekins-Holt Hall (the Johnston dorm), Don would do his routine in front of an audience. I don't think I missed a single one. He did a bit with hand puppets doing humorously obvious activities: "What's this?" (a hand), "It's a flock of these" (a finger). "What's this?" (palm up), "It's a dead one of these?" (palm down). "What's this?" (hand moving right), "I don't know but here it comes again!" (hand moving left). We first saw these jokes from another student, Megan Kard, and thought they were very wholesome and funny.

A student named Raphaela Pandy organized the "What'd Ya Say Cafe" also in Bekins-Holt every week where a bunch of students would get together and just talk about various philosophical topics. I loved this. I loved being able to throw ideas at people and have them usually care about what I was saying. It was my favorite night of the week.

In 2005, I begin Junior year at the University of Redlands. Don and I were approved to move into Cortner Hall which was supposed to be a Seniors only dorm. There wasn't enough room in the other halls so a bunch of Junior were admitted. We finally had suite style (almost private) bathrooms. The constriction of Appleton Hall was completed right between East Hall (a Freshman Dorm) and Hedco Hall (The Chemistry Building) at the University of Redlands. The Math and Physics departments, formerly at Hentchke and Duke Halls respectively, were moved into the newly constructed building. The South side wall had a giant sundial on it. The front entrance had a dome roof which, due to an unforseen consequence of its design, had a strong echo and a sound focal point right in the middle.

Ashley got a speeding ticket on 10/23/2005.

In 2005, Ashley moved in with my parents. My Dad helped her get health/dental insurance through Blue Cross and auto insurance coverage through Progressive and paid for them monthly.

I played Command and Conquer - Renegade with Bernard. It was a shooter game with two teams of players who compete for resources, purchase characters and try to destroy eachother's base. I complained a lot about snipers since they warped the game around them. I even shared my frustrations with John Novales who watched me play once. I started creating a mod that was intended to be a cooperative mission. I called it "Avian Micro" after ABR, my clan from Starsiege Tribes. Unfortunately, I never ended up testing it.

On 4/2/2006, Ashley was in an at-fault collision while driving her new 2005 Kia Spectra. She collided with a 2001 Nissan Ultima with a family of four inside who all sustained bodily injuries requiring hospitalization. The damages were as follows: Kia Spectra ($13105.23), Nissan Ultima ($8266.83), Francisco S ($5500), Briana S ($2900), Rena S ($3500) and Brandon S ($600). My Dad handled everything on the insurance side.

A few days after my birthday in 2006, Amanda gave me two music CDs named "Santechno I" and "Santechno II". They contained a large selection of electronic music that she knew I would like. There were also a few tracks that she mixed together herself. My favorite songs were: Peter Martin - Simply Blue, Gabriel & Dresden - Arcadia She was the first person I knew that liked music similar to what I did. Some of the songs were mislabeled. There was an album labeled "December Daze on Heretic Sky" that had funky disco style music (this wasn't the real name of the album). My Dad ended up liking this album so much that he made copies of it.

Once when I was sitting doing computer work in my dorm at Cortner Hall, John Novales tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention. Since he was a friend, I told him that being tapped lightly on my shoulder made me immediately angry. He said, "Wow, that's quite a weakness." I had never thought of it as a weakness before. It made sense for John, a student of Taekwondo, to have had this insight. I began thinking about many of my traits as "weaknesses", for example: hating the sound of footsteps and hating the feeling of wind.

In Fall 2006, I began Senior year at Univerity. I was reluctant to begin playing World of Warcraft with my friends, but they bought it for my birthday. I became durably invested in this game. Bernard created a guild named "Allied Coalition Fleet". I avoided joining a guild and played mostly solo.

Peers assumed I was smart because I never took any written notes. I think I was actually just average, but obsessed with details and trying to make information as compact as possible. To my professors of each discipline, the other discipline was my strength. I excused this by saying my real strength was my "creativity" but that wasn't really true either. I was maybe good at coming up with ways of mixing existing concepts together, but I had a hard time coming up with truly novel ones. I can state a general rule, but I panic and freeze when trying to come up with specific examples on the spot.

My thesis work for both Math and Physics was "Quantum Revival", when probability waves return to their original form after some amount of time. I used the same project but made two versions of it, one focusing on each discipline. Dr. Bloxham said that I had done some unique work on my solution for the quantum bouncer.

Graduate at California State Univerity Northridge

After moving back with my parents, my Mom asked me "what are you going to do now", and I responded "I'm going to graduate school at the University of Northridge". This statement was more of a wish than a commitment. CSUN was where I had heard Mr. Toigo went for his Masters of Physics after leaving CCHS. My Mom promptly did the entire application process for me and I was accepted. My Mom bought a 2007 Dodge Caliber for Ashley. VIN: 1B3HB48B37D566250, LIC: 5URM616

In Fall 2007, my parents found a room for me to rent at 11022 Lindley Avenue in Northridge. When we all went to have a look at the room a few days before classes were to start, we discovered that the house was falsely advertised. It wasn't even in the city of Northridge, it was in Granada Hills. Parts of it were still under construction, and it was 3 miles away from the university instead of the 0.1 miles "walking distance" in the advertisement. My plan was to bike each day since I hated to drive. My parents immediately hustled to find another place, and they found a guest house in back of a Jewish Hillel 818 at 17729 Plummer Street right next to University.

I shared the guest house at the Hillel with a former student named Milton. Milton played old console games just like I did, and had a girlfriend named Jill. He introduced me to the "Angry Video Game Nerd" channel on Youtube. There were some quotes from this channel involving strings of curse words that Milton and I would repeat to make eachother laugh. For almost every meal I would eat Lucky Charms or PB&J sandwiches. After I was done with classes I would sometimes go to the Burger King on campus and get a Whopper Junior.

Don joined the United States Air Force and traveled the world. He tried to keep in contact with my family via letters and emails. My Dad was very good at responding back to Don, but I was terrible at it. I either never responded or responded too late.

I had a new silver Schwinn bicycle my parents had got me. I would ride it to classes each day along the same path. One day while I was biking to Live Oak Hall about to cut accross a grassy area, I suddenly fell into a hole. After falling, I saw the cones and yellow ribbon that were clearly enclosing the area. I had completely failed to detect it for the whole 20 seconds or so that it was visible. I was pretty disoriented and may have completely forgotten to chain my bike to the rack and lock it. After class my bike was missing. Campus security came and verified that I didn't just forget where it was. I was so angry I could have killed whoever took my bike.

In January 2008, Ashley and I moved into a studio in the Cambridge Appartments at 18013 Devonshire Street, Appartment 129 for $1080 a month. I had signed a 1 year lease with the Hillel, but Ashley wanted to move up to Northridge with me. My parents did all the work to find someone to take on the lease. On 1/15/2008, she transferred her job to an Outback Steakhouse in Northridge.

I worked as a Tutor under Karen Abramowitz. When she interviewed me, I was asked "What is your goal as a tutor?" My answer focused around getting the student interested in the subject and not their grade. She said this was different than she had ever heard before. The tutoring was structured where students would walk in and be assigned to a table with a tutor. I had a time card and would work longer hours than I should have. Karen pulled me aside and told me that I needed to stick to my assigned hours. One of my regular students was Kenia Guinto. She probably liked me, but I was completely oblivious. Half way through the semester I was asked to be a Supplemental Instructor for a Buisness Math class taught by Dr. Watkins. I met Fran, the current Supplemental Instructor whose class was currently overflowing with students. Half of her students were put into a class with me for the rest of the semester.

I met Kenia Guinto and Carlota Turcios, undergraduate students at CSUN. Kenia regularly came in to ask for math help and would joke around with me a lot. Carlota was also a regular.

One time Carlota asked me to tutor her and her friend privately for $100 an hour. She suggested the rate; it was much higher than I would have. We met in a study lounge on campus. After the session she looked at the time and started digging through her duffle bag pulling out one dollar bills. As I watched, she looked at me an said "I'm a stripper." I immediately laughed because I thought she was joking. Carlota drove me back home. I realized that I may have hurt her feelings by laughing if she actually was a stripper. Her name was changed to Carlota Shalygin by marriage.

Starting in Fall 2008, my 2nd year at CSUN, I worked as a Teaching Associate (TA) for the Physics department. This meant preparing my own syllabus, lectures and exams for laboratory courses. The experience was fulfilling, but I would still come home to my apartment and rave to Ashley about how frustrated I was over some student behavior: basically a continuation of what I had experienced in high school as a tutor. She would tell me, “You cannot control people. They will act how they will act and you shouldn’t take it personally.” I grew to realize that all the consoling advice I had received over the years was the only advice that made sense. At the end of the day, students are responsible for their own performance.

I shared my office with two other TAs, Gordon A Macdonald and Karapet Karapetyan. Gordon would make fun of the name of a student named Bing who had an office adjacent to us. He once pretended that Bing had a girlfriend named Bong and wrote on the white board "Bing's Long Ding Dong Banged Bong's Bung". He was mostly annoyed by me when I tried to talk to him. Karapet was a little more receptive.

The first time I was summoned to the department office at Northridge to talk about a student complaint, I was very shocked and worried. As a student, I had never gone and complained about a teacher to another teacher, so I figured that it was very serious. It turned out that a student had a complaint about a grade, and that it was just procedure for the chair to meet with both myself and the student individually. The chair, Ana Cadavid, verified that I had not graded unfairly, and that was the end of it. During my time at Northridge, complaints weren't that rare, but the department always had my back. I learned to respect the process. It was evidence based just like the science I taught.

Ashley's sister Melissa moved into our studio with us. Ashley enrolled her at Granada Hills Charter High School right down the street from us (probably only 1000 feet away). We used curtains to partition the studio into rooms. Melissa had only interacted with me occasionally when I would visit Ashley when she lived with her parents. After living with us for a while, Melissa said, "You're different than I thought you would be", I asked what she meant and she said "Just different." I thought it might have been because of the time I spent playing World of Warcraft.

Put it back together: In World of Warcraft, I had always avoided joining a guild. I would happily help others, but I would decline guild invitations from the guilds I would raid with: Allied Coalition Fleet (Bernard's Guild), Crossbones and Indepth. I didn't have an excuse other than I just "din wanna". Most of my real life friends who played World of Warcraft (Geoff, Elliot and Ben) were in the guild "Mistaken". Mistaken was a "day one" guild (created on the very first day WoW was released) with a repuation for being some of the highest progressing on our server in past expansions, but now they were falling apart. I was invited to this guild and accepted. I felt connected to the history of this guild and was highly motivated to put it back together. The old members of this guild were like celebrities in my mind. I started putting raids together and making connections to old time members who didn't even know me. Through shere persistence I was promoted to Guild Master of the collapsing guild.

My Dad did all of my insurance paperwork. On 6/3/2008, he applied for health insurance on my behalf through Anthem Blue Cross. He specified my height as 6'1". I'm only 5'11", but my Dad always saw me as taller to the point where he unknowingly reported it inaccurately on insurance documents.

This is a spot I never planned to be in, and it came right around the time I had started teaching labs for the first time at the University. Suddenly, my non-existent social skills were put in high demand. If I wanted to put this guild back together and if I wanted to be a good teacher I would need to push through all my anxiety and get it done. My skills as a leader (of sorts) in a game and in real life would grow in tandum.

There was a convention for doctors held in Las Vegas. My Mom offered to help checking people for this convention and Eisenhower Medical Center paid for two rooms. My Mom, Dad, Ashley and myself stayed at the Wynn Las Vegas hotel where the convention was being held. Ashley and I went to Madame Tussauds wax museum. Ashley was upset that I didn't seem to be having enough fun. I hated the how wasteful the entire city of Las Vegas was. It was overstimulating and unforgivable to me.

In Spring 2009, we moved to the Northridge Fontana Apartment complex at 18547 Plummer Street, Apartment 24. It was closer to CSUN than where we had lived previously. This was our first time living upstairs. I hauled my bike up and down the stairs each day because I was paranoid about getting it stolen again.

Melissa was having disciplinary issues at school. There was boy she was hanging out with who was a bad influence. Ashley took Melissa's phone away to stop their communicating. Melissa said she wanted to go back home as a result. Ashley called the bluff and drove her all the way back home that day.

Ashley lost her job as a CNA at UCLA Mattel Children's Hospital. She had complained about the performance of another employee who happened to be close to the person she reported her complaint to. She then got a job working as a CNA at Brighton Gardens, an assisted living home in Northridge. She became friends with Holly Stowell who was hired at the same time. They both had a goofy sense of humor and followed paranormal superstitions.

I was was riding my blue Huffy bike back home from the University one day on Plummer Street just one intersection before reaching my appartment complex. I was tha last of the bikers to cross the street at a cross walk when I was struck in my rear wheel by a car making a right turn on red. I fell rapidly to the ground as she slammed on her breaks. The girl (who was wearing sunglasses) in the car yelled "Are you okay?" to which I replied "Yeah". I immediately stood up and finished walking my bent, wobbly bike accross the street. My parents visited that weekend. On Saturday, my Mom and I dropped dropped the bike off at the Bicycle Den in Granada Hills. My Mom paid $15 to have my rear axle replaced and the wheel straightened. I was amazed that the wheel could be straightened and asked questions about the process. Ashley and I picked the bike up the next Tuesday on 4/7/2009.

I now shared an office with another TA named Evan D Randles and two of his friends. Evan was in Hendrik Postma's Electomagnetism II class with me. One day Dr. Postma expressed that it felt wrong that we needed 3 points to determine an exponential curve rather than just two. Evan showed a way to do it using only two points so long as those points were complex (with real an imaginary components). In our office later, Evan asked me if I was impressed by his demonstration. I said, "No. Because using two complex numbers is the equivalent of using 4 numbers." Reflecting on this, I felt really bad for telling him that I wasn't impressed by something he clearly was proud of. It wasn't really true; I was impressed, I just was more interested in debating the point than showing empathy at the time. He and his friends invited me to hang out with them once for some drinks. I declined saying "I don't drink." In 2023, I found Evan's number for his office at Colby College. He had become a professor. I called him and told him I was sorry all those years before for saying I wasn't impressed. He told me I had an amazing memory and said "Don't be a stranger."

On my tax returns for 2009, I made $16363.20 working as a Teaching Associate teaching two course. By contrast, in 2008 I made $7519.00 teaching one course. In 2007 I made $2482.00 as a tutor at CSUN and Ashley made $20439 working at Outback Steakhouse. In 2006 I made $1343.27 as a tutor at Redlands.

On 5/26/2009, I started keeping an event log (a journal) on spreadsheet file. Ashley would very often complain that I spent too much time playing video games and not enough time with her. Based on the amount of effort I put into spending time with her, I didn't understand why the felt that way. I asked her what the solution was but she didn't have an answer. There seemed to be a critical difference in how we were interpreting reality. This is the primary reason I started the event log: to defend against accusations about how I spent my time.

Kenia came into my office and asked for help with logarithms. This was unexpected since I didn't work as a tutor any more and usually only got current students visiting during my office hours. She must have tracked me down. After we finished the lesson, Kenia invited me to go to a party where there would be a dating auction. I declined saying I would be going to visit my parents. This was true. After she left, Evan and the others were looking at me strange. I realized then that Kenia was actually asking me on a date and I had just turned her down.

In Spring 2010, I postponed my graduation for a year. My masters degree could have taken a total two years but I chose to take a less dense course load requiring three years. This means I should have graduated in Spring 2010, but for me to stay working as a Teaching Associate I needed to remain a student. I postponed graduating for another year, mostly because I was afraid of leaving Northridge. Ashley needed another year to finish Nursing school which was a more reasonable excuse.

On 6/8/2010, I drive Ashley to the emergency room due to a gallbladder attack. We had eaten a lot of very fatty foods in the past few days and were advised against doing so for the sake of gallbladder health.

On 6/18/2010, Hans picks me up and we carpool to the wedding of George and Julie Bacon. We help to set up the chairs and tables. I ate shark tail for the first time. Lloyd called the fried panko "blisters of air". When I talked to Hans's mom about my job as a teacher she said, "Teaching is so easy." We stayed at a hotel. Lloyd told me that he would quit smoking if I tried doing stand up comedy.

On 9/11/2010, Ashley broke up with me and moved in with Holly. She moved back in with me on 10/20/2011.

On 9/25/2010, I went to a Magic the Gathering pre-release tournament with Elliot and Bernard. I didn't bring a deck; I just wanted to watch.

Ashley and I moved to another apartment in the same complex at 18547 Plummer Street, Apartment 34. We hire a father and son who were waiting for work at the roadside. My parents also came to help us move.

On 9/30/2010, in World of Warcraft, I was leading a raid into Icecrown Citadel. There was a boss, Professor Putricide, that was giving us trouble. I came up with a simpler but more risky way to beat the boss, and I used a spreadsheet to convince others of its efficacy. Professor Putricide had an "Unbound Plague" that hurt one player faster and faster until they handed it off to another player, but it left them more vulnerable afterward. It would seem like the best strategy would be to hand the plague to fresh players frequently, never letting the damage rate get too high. However, this required coordination among many players and small errors would lead to failure. My idea was to keep the plague on only a handful of players who could soak the damage, and then finally have them stand next to eachother handing the plague back and forth rapidly. This would cause them to rapidly become more vulnerable, but the plague would stay weak and predictable.

On 10/23/2010, I go to Geoff's bachelor party at Medieval Times. Since he had gotten engaged to Sabrina, he hadn't played World of Warcraft any more. On 11/4/2010 I go to Geoff's rehearsal and dinner at Old Spaghetti Factory. On 11/6/2010, I attend the wedding of Geoff and Sabrina Klinge. It was on a boat.

On 11/20/2010, Ashley and I went to the marriage of Don and Amy in Redlands. Amanda was there too. Don had taken a ballroom dance class as a student at Redlands, so there was a ballroom dance lesson at the wedding. I felt extremely awkward doing the steps.

On 12/18/2010, we celebrate Ashley's completion of her Associates Degree in Nursing. Me and Holly along with Ashley's closest family (great aunt Donna, step grandmother Loryene, step grandfather Elbert, step father Frank and mother Lisa) all attend the pinning ceremony and go to Red Robbin afterward.

Ashley volunteered to take care of Holly's cat, Scotty, for a while while Holly found a new place to live. Scotty had a unique meow that produced no note, just a low vocal fry. On 3/15/2011 I finally got Ashley to create a World of Warcraft account. She chose to be a Blood Elf Hunter and I sat there next to her desperate for her to enjoy the game. Scotty bit the power cable to her laptop, puncturing it and causing her computer to eventually discharge. When I realized this, I got very angry at the stupid cat for denying me this rare opportunity to play this game with my girlfriend.

On 1/15/2011, I took the Upper Division Writing Proficiency Exam (WPE). On 1/25/2011, I filled out my Application for Masters Degree and Diploma. On 2/10/2011 I was informed that we couldn't proceed with my Graduation Evaluation until I was formally classified. I think this was because I wasn't taking the 12 unit minimum course load at the time. It was a complication of me trying to extend my stay at CSUN. Basically I had to ask for the 12 unit rule to be waived using the WPE as an excuse for my low course load. On 3/9/2011 I was approved for graduation.

On 5/12/2011 I finished my last comprehensive test necessary for my Masters Degree in Physics. I finally graduated after spending a total of 4 years (8 semesters) in graduate school, although I didn't attend any actual graduation ceremony.

On 6/4/2011, Ryan Woodruff was having a party at his house. It was the last lime I would see him before he and his mom would move to New Mexico. At his party I heard dubstep for the first time in the form of Skrillex's "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites". Ryan also showed us the collectible card game "Star Wars: Destiny".

On 7/13/2011, we make our security deposit at Countrywood Apartments. On 7/15/2011, we drive down to San Barnardino for Ashley to be interviewed for a job at Saint Bernadine's Medical Center. We had to drive back for her physical exam, the followup and then again because of some mishap with her identification.

Back to Redlands

On 8/7/2011, Ashley and I signed a rental agreement with Velma Isaac, the property manager at Country Wood Apparements in Redlands. We moved to 1255 E Citrus Avenue, Appartment 141 within easy biking distance to the University of Redlands. I didn't have a job there yet but just like with Graduate School I simply insisted that it would happen, and it somehow ended up happening. I contacted Julie Rathbun. She remembered me and within a few days she interviewed me and asked for my CV.

On 8/24/2011, since I was now ellegible to be covered under Ashley's health/dental insurance from her work at Saint Bernadine's, my Dad filled out the paperwork to cancel my existing individual coverage from Anthem Blue Cross. All I had to do was sign the document he made.

I didn't know what a Curriculum Vitae was. It was basically a resumé with more details. I wanted to add a part to the end where I would be brutally honest about my strengths and weaknesses. This idea prompted me to really think about what made me tick. I said that I said: "I love details", "I am obsessed with efficiency", "I am creative", "I have difficulty starting/finishing things" and "I am honest". My obsession with efficiency made my description of myself very efficient.

Ashley was surprised to learn how much I valued my free time. When we finally talked about our long term goals, I told her that mine was to work as little as possible and focus on my own projects. Esentially, there was a fixed amount that I needed financially, and after that "progress" would be made through other avenues. On the contrary, her idea of "progress" was purely financial through and through. I always hope that one day I would live with my parents again, but I didn't tell her that. Until this point in my life my parents had made everything come true for me. I simply hinted that I wanted something, and they would make it happen. They were my angels. It was impossible for me to want anything else. Now that I wasn't a student any more, there was no obvious path to take that would please everyone. There was no next domino to knock down. I thought that was the point; now I could make the domino's.

Starting in Fall of 2011, I was a teacher along side my old Physics professors. There were only five physics faculty members left: Alan Deweerd, Eric Hill, Julie Rathbun, Tyler Nordgren and Andrew Myertholen. Andrew had been hired after my time as an undergraduate and was very well liked. I worked teaching labs which were corequisite courses taken alongside lectures. In the Summer of 2012 after I had done two semesters teaching lab, I accepted a lecture position for that Fall.

On 11/19/2011, I went to miniature golf with Ashley, Bernard, Elliot, Elizabeth (Betty) and Billy. I didn't golf at all; I just kept scores and did a spreadsheet of them later. My friends didn't force me to play the game and I really appreciated that; they let me actually have fun. Ashley got angry at me later.

On 12/19/2011, my Dad started ordering computer parts from Tiger Direct to create a new gaming computer for me. He finished his orders on 1/14/2012. AMD Athlon II X4 640 3GHz CPU, CoolerMaster 500W PSU Extreme Power, MSI 760GM-E51 AMD 760 Socket AM3 Mother Board, MSI Cyclone OC Radeon HD 6850 1GB GDDR5, Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium 64Bit Operating System, PNY MD2048SD3-1333 PC10666 2GB Memory Upgrades. The prior year, my graphics card developed a fault that caused my computer to randomly have critical failures (blue screen). The problem got more and more frequent until we replaced the graphics card. Well, now my Dad made a whole computer that could better meet the demands of the games I was currently playing. My Dad always gave me the newest, highest performing computers he built and then took my older computer to use himself. In this case he used my old computer until 2015.

On 1/16/2012, my grandmother on my dad's side, Nona Bessie, died while laying in bed at my parent's house. I missed the first day I was supposed to teach lab that semester. I told Dr. Nordgren that my grandma died. He was immediately supportive and said that labs could be shifted later by a week.

On 3/19/2012, I substituted for another instructor who needed to miss a day. I used his powerpoint presentation and notes to do a lesson about radiation. I made a joke about how the cartoon depictions of the sun usually show it wearing sunglasses which seems like a "mockery of the silly humans", but I'm pretty sure nobody laughed. I got a false impression of how effective my teaching was since many of the students recognized me as their lab instructor from the previous semester.

On 7/12/2012, Ashley goes to Bear Mountain Dog Rescue and brings home Moe. Moe was a terrier mix who was very shy. He connected very quickly with Ashley, but took a long time to do so with me. Ashley fought about how good of an idea it was to even have a dog, causing her to return Moe 7/19/2012. The next day, I felt bad and went all the way up the mountain with my mom to get Moe back.

In the Fall of 2012, Andrew Myertholen was not having his contract renewed. This was ridiculous because he was hired on tenure track and had an excellent reputation. Andrew spoke with me and helped me prepare to teach his course. I spent the entire summer preparing my lessons on Power Point. I created all the animations and graphics from scratch, using the textbook for about half of the examples and all of the homework problems. The class was in the big lecture room in Gregory Hall, the largest I had ever lectured in front of: sixty students, most of whom were biology majors aspiring to attend medical school.

I viewed this as a fresh chance to be the most interesting professor ever. In hindsight, I was relied too heavily on my preparation and didn't try to encourage feedback from students enough. No questions were typically asked during lecture. I also had a grader, so I didn't see any patterns in what students were struggling with. As a result, at the time I gave my first midterm I didn't have a good feel for how much the students were engaging with the concepts I was teach. The class did horribly. As I was grading, I decided to alter the grade scale so that an F was a 25% instead of a 50%. When the students learned their grades, that's when the questions started coming, but they weren't about Physics.

I had made this class the focus of my life. I spent around 40 hours a week between lecture preparations, class time, office hours, and the responses to student complaints. Out of 60 students, each day I had an average of 20 showing up late and an average of 15 that didn’t show up at all. My offers of help outside of class were completely ignored by the majority of students. Disrespect was encouraged all semester long by other students and unintentionally by faculty. I had a student (Jazzmin Altamira) say that she was afraid to ask questions in class because of how disrespectful other students around her were behaving. Some students even tried to justify the disrespect and non-participation on their feedback and evaluation. In the end, all of this behavior was rewarded. The students were allowed to take control of the course and receive passing grades for every reason except learning Physics. Justice was not served.

On 10/25/2012, Ashley and I went to the San Bernardino courthouse to be married. I had always fought the idea of being married, but now it made sense so that I could be covered under her work health insurance as a "Legally Domiciled Adult".

I had already signed a contract to teach the second semester of this course during Spring the following year, but my contract was cancelled due to student complaints. I continued to teach labs at the University of Redlands, but never another lecture. This experience wasn't healthy for my connection to humanity. It was like the Ant Club all over again but worse. Instead of having a voice of reason like Mr. Jackson, I had colleagues who helped the students take control of course. I was relentlessly bombarded by one act of corruption after another. Students were allowed to sabotaged their own learning in order to force the standards to be lowered.

Moving forward, I didn't think this incident would have ever happened if I were more charismatic. Despite all my summer preparation I presented as awkward and monotone. It also didn't help that I probably seemed a lot younger than my colleagues. As I got more experience teaching the same labs over and over, it allowed me to pay more attention to my tone inflection, speaking pace, hand movement and eye contact. I knew these skills were important but I couldn't develop them outside of a very comfortable environment. That comfortable environment was very hard earned for me. I was literally working with the same people in the same place where I had been a student for 4 years, and only after many years still was I able to develop any sort of charisma.

Ashley would go to a local salon to get her hair done. She became friends with her hair-dresser named Anna Ellison. They connected by personality and because both of their husbands had a history playing World of Warcraft. They called themselves "Warcraft Widows". I became friends with Daniel Ellison, Anna's Husband. He worked as a paralegal for a family law firm. Just like me, he was a former student at the University of Redlands. He even attended at the same time as I did, we just never saw eachother.

In September 2012, Ashley got a job at Loma Linda University Childrens Hospital as a NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) nurse. This was her dream goal ever since she began nursing school. She makes new friends, Noel Thakkar and Gretta Bower-Fjelstrom who work with her. Gretta's husband, Chris, also worked at LLUH as a charge nurse. Noel's husband, Devin, worked as an technitian for a copy machine distributor.

In late 2012, I cancelled my subscription to World of Warcraft near the end of the Mists of Pandaria expansion. I considered starting it again in 2013, but when I realized I had missed a unique log-in reward, my time with the game was over. Despite the vitriol I had for the developers of the game, it was a difficult sacrifice to make. I had become attached to all my accomplishments and all the people I had played with.

On 5/27/2013, I got this random stabbing pain in my side that caused me to thrash around uncontrollably. Ashley gave me some Hydrocodone and drove me to the Emergency Room. The medical staff determined that it was probably a kidney stone. I was determined to never have that pain again, so I researched kidney stones extensively. I shared my experience and knowledge with family and friends. Ashley told me that was inappropriate to share.

On 7/23/2013, Ashley and I went with Anna and Daniel to the Improv in Ontario to see Sheryl Underwood doing stand up comedy. Near the end of her show, Sheryl said "You know who I really want to see get wasted? This white boy over here with the curly hair!" She pointed right at me and the audience laughed. She asked, "What do you drink? It's on me.". Then I said, "I'd like a water please." and she replied, "No! Grey Goose! You're having a Grey Goose!" I didn't know what that was. They brought the drink out and I downed it as quickly as a could. I heard someone behind me say "He drank all of it?" I hated having attention on me like that but I was happy that I at least responded with something goofy.

On 8/16/2013, my parents watched Moe while Ashley and I visited Elliot. He had sold a bunch of his Magic cards to fly in a bunch of friends we had met on World of Warcraft: Maxie, Chase, Ryan and Seth. His friend Elizabeth (who we all called Betty) also played WoW was there too. We all went to SeaWorld and then to the San Diego Zoo the next day. At night, we walked the streets of the Gaslamp Quarter. I never liked walking around aimlessly. I didn't understand why everyone else seemed to love it so much; like it was a luxury activity.

In June 2014, I started making a serious effort to cook. Daniel and Anna had introduced us to the tequila lime hot dog and Ashley really liked them. My first few cooking experiences were in cooking these extremely fat spicy hot dogs. I wanted to do it over and over. Before that, my only cooking experience was using a microwave to warm up leftover pizza.

On 5/24/2014, Ashley and I had our outdoor wedding ceremony in Barstow on the property of Ashley's grandparents, Loryene and Elbert. We had visited many times to organize things, clean up the yard and paint the house yellow. We did a hand fasting ritual under some trees. We had a DJ named Adam and a photgrapher named JC Guzman. Carly was our bartender. My parents were going to do the first dance. Ashley thought that people were getting impatient so she skipped the first dance and opened up the dance floor which really bothered me. I also didn't like getting cake smashed in my face. Ashley passed out drunk at the hotel that night and we all went to Denny's without her.

To me, throwing something in the trash was like destroying history; it was a last resort. I was terrified of discarding something only to realize I still could have used it. I was terrified that I might accidentally lose something because it wasn't put in the proper location. Ashley and I would fight about buying new items, because I would always object unless it was massively necessary. If it wasn't massively necessary, it was just one more thing on the list of things I was terrified to discard.

Willow

When we realized Ashley was pregnant in 2015, Ashley reasoned that we ought to live in a house rather than an appartment. At the same time, my parents were trying to find a house around where we lived too. Ashley found a house for rent that was more expensive than where we currently lived but that could accomodate us more comfortably.

On 8/4/2015, we went to get Ashley's ultrasound. I had always wished to have a boy since it was familiar, but this morning I was thinking more clearly. If we had a girl, Ashley would have someone to do girl things with. I had no similar desire to do boy things; the thought of trying to build a typical "boy" was terrifying. For the first time, I thought I could sympathize better with a girl. The ultrasound revealed that we would be having a girl and I noted the coincidence.

On 10/17/2015, we move to Tribune Street. My Mom, Dad, Geoff Klinge and Sabrina Klinge help us move our belongings along with two hires from Starving Students named Donald and Connor. We made a big deal out of owning a washer and dryer for the first time.

Bernard visited once and I locked myself out of the house while greeting him outside. I got so angry I wanted to break a window. Bernard drove me to Ashley's unit at LLU to get her keys. Fortunately I was wearing adequate clothing beyond, however the sandals were very embarassing.

My parents had brought my old music keyboard, a Yamaha PSR-E273, when we moved in. I put it in the living room opposite the fireplace. I hadn't played it since high school and Ashley had never heard me play it before. She was impressed that I was able to pick out tunes by ear and said. When I said it wasn't a big deal she said, "But that's like your only thing." Despite being contemptuous, she expressed this opinion very honestly and instinctively. It stuck with me as emblematic of her true opinion about me.

I always hated driving. Until our move to Tribune Street, I was always able to walk or bike (or someone would drive me) where I needed to go. The ability to avoid driving was a major consideration in choosing where to live. I managed to avoid driving until age 30. One reason I couldn't avoid it any more was my distance from work. The other reason was because Ashley was pregnant and needed me to run errands. Ashley would crave something and I would drive to McDonalds or Huicho's Tacos to pick up food. Still, I would avoid driving anything other than local familiar streets, especially freeways.

Willow Lunden Labbate was born on 1/30/2016 via C-Section. Ashley was induced two days earlier but wasn't dilating enough. Willow's head was stuck. They had Ashley on a saline drip in case they needed to quickly give intravenous medication, but Ashley's entire body was bloating up because of it. This bloating seemed like an obvious cause for her inability to dilate but nobody listened to me. The doctor thought the birth could still be done naturally but Ashley was worried, given her experience as a NICU Nurse, that the baby could suddenly code-blue and get permanent brain damage. In the bravest act I have ever personally witnessed, she signed the papers to voluntarily undergo a C-Section. Willow was born healthy. We named her "Willow" because Ashley and I liked the Wiccan association between the willow tree and enchantment. "Lunden" was my maternal grandmother's maiden name.

I had always been afraid of having a child. Ashley and I would argue constantly about having children; it was the biggest source of contention in our relationship for years. I couldn't bear the thought of making major alterations to my life and "losing myself". I also didn't want to "build myself again". Unexpectedly, the changes came at a manageable rate for me. It wasn't the nightmarish thrust into the unknown that I had anticipated. Willow adapted to living with us as much as we did to her, and my parents were very pleased to have a grandchild.

Moe would keep pooping on the carpet in the middle of Willow's room. We couldn't risk this behavior around the baby if she were to crawl over an infected area. Ashley wanted to get rid of Moe but my Dad said "We'll take him." From then on Moe belonged to my parents. Moe never acted like a typical dog. He never played or wandered around curiously; he just clung to my Mom and barked at strangers.

We wanted to make a serious effort to save money for a down paymeny on a house. We found a house for rent at 25225 Park Avenue in Loma Linda very close to where Ashley worked. She was willing to put effort into fixing the place up if it meant having a low monthly rent. Before we moved in, she and her sister Melissa made trips to the house to paint the interior walls a light blue color that she liked. I cleaned the grout between all the tiles.

On 4/7/2017 we moved to 25225 Park Avenue in Loma Linda, California. Melissa helped us vacuum our old house before turning in our keys. Rent was very low for where we were at $1000 a month, but there were a lot more issues than we realized at first. The front door had been kicked in before and wasn't able to close. There was a cockroach infestation. The air conditioner didn't work. The hot water pipe in the master bathroom was disconnected in the attic causing it to "rain" indoors if both the hot and cold taps were open at the same time. The drains would constantly become plugged due to old pipes.

On 3/30/2019, Ashley and I move to 958 North 7th Street in Banning, California. My parents had wired $3000 on 3/12/2019 to K-T Services (Escrow company) to help us with the down payment.

The Questions: Willow and I had a bedtime routine where we would: read two books, have Alexa play "The Bunny Hop by Mother Goose Club" and dance, do "stars" on the fridge (our token reward system) and brush our teeth. After Willow was in bed we would have Cheer Bear (her Care Bears plush that played music) play exerpts of the songs You are my Sunshine and Hush Little Baby and sing modified version of the Lyrics. Finally, Willow would recite:

And brush our teeth and go potty and watch a TV, that's what we're gonna do in the morning. And the fan is on... THE CURTAINS ARE NOT CLOSED! And the fan is on, and the curtains are closed, and the door is open. And when it's dark it's night time; when it's morning it's day time; when it's evening it's almost night time; when it's afternoon its almost night time. And the house is standing. Can I leave the teddy bear on? ...

These words had been built upon over many months. I had to stop Willow from adding more: "No! We're not adding more stuff!" She called this recital "The Questions", even though it was mostly gibberish and not a lot of questions. Eventually, she decided on her own one night, "This is the last time we'll do The Questions."

2020

The thought of having done something of value was motivation enough for me most of the time. If I undersold a service, at least the value was created and I could feel good about that. I hate the whole process of seeking money. It demotivates me and makes me feel sick.

On 6/3/2020, Ashley got us qualified for premium assistance for our health/dental insurance through Covered California. This was until she, with the help of a recruiter, got a job as a travel nurse working for Kaiser Permanente Stockton. Her long term goal was to work for Kaiser Permanente at a more local hospital. This was a start.

On 2/4/2021, Ashley crashed the Nissan Juke into the back of another car on the freeway. She was following too closely when the car in front of her swerved to the side revealing a stopped vehicle. The Juke was deemed a total loss. My mom had a friend named Tammy from work who sold us her 2005 Toyota Corolla for $4500.

On 3/4/2021, I went to urgent care over a strange dizziness I had been feeling for weeks. When I heard a loud noise I would get very dizzy. A few days before this I got sick with something which caused the dizziness to get worse, probably due to inflamation and sinus pressure. I was worried that there was something worse going on which led me to Doctor Jonathan A. E. Bolton. He told me there's much that can be done for those sort of symptoms at an urgent care. My blood pressure was high (144/86), but there was ultimately no explanation for my symptoms.

Autism Diagnosis

When Ashley was angry at me, she would occasionally use the words "Autistic", "Aspergers" and "Spectrum" to describe me. It was always in response to some lack of empathy she perceived I had. I never took it seriously. One day in early 2023, I started seriously allowing myself to consider why Gabriel, our Marriage Therapist, had randomly asked me if I was on the spectrum. Maybe it wasn't so random. I went on the internet and took the AQ50, which is a questionnaire with 50 questions aimed at screening adults for Autism. I scored a 44, which was plenty higher than the clinically significant threshold of 32. I showed Ashley who was watching TV next to me, and she just nodded.

I started researching Autism, trying to answer the question: "When I had ever encountered the traits associated with it?" I was brainstorming for times in my life where I had suddenly smacked into some imaginary wall called "Autism". I found a bunch of people on YouTube who were diagnosed with Autism late in life and was brought to tears multiple times by how they were basically telling my story. They were explaining why I had felt so different from other people for my whole life without explanation. Autism wasn't a hole in my brain. It wasn't like I was carrying Autism arround in my brain like luggage. It WAS my brain. It was everything about me. It was why I was so far behind in maturity compared to my peers. It was why I was seldom interested in the same things my peers were. It was why I needed detailed explanations for everything. It was why I felt like an alien posing for a performance. It was why I hated to drive. It was why being interrupted was so painful. It was why it took me so long to process social cues and why I ended up wanting to redo every conversation I ever had. It was why I had trouble starting and finishing things. Most of all, it was why I would obsessively simplify and organize things.

Willow would pluck her eyelashes out at an alarming rate all day long but especially at night. We took her to a Child Psychologist named Kaitlyn who immediately suspected that Willow had ADHD. Testing was scheduled for ADHD testing but due to demand pushing that appointment many months down the road, we also scheduled her to be tested for Autism which could be done much sooner.

I shared with my parents that I thought I was Autistic, explaining everything I had learned so far. My parents associated Autism with being disabled, and I had to explain to them that it was just they way someone's brain works. My parents thought I was being overly critical of myself every time I brought it up, trying to reassure me I was "normal". I said that Autism is a collection of strengths and weaknesses that connect with people in a way I never thought possible. Considering ASD had finally freed me from guilt about being bad at certain things, and reduced the guild of persuing things I really enjoyed. It was benefit all-around for me.

For the first time in my life I sought therapy for myself. I contacted Kaiser Permanente Behavioral Health. On 6/7/2023 I met Molly Lee Egan-Williams. I asked her about the process for being evaluated for ASD. She submitted a request for me to be evaluated but warned me that Kaiser might deny it. Kaiser normally only pays for ASD evaluations of people with obviously high support needs or who are under the age of 18. She was right. The request was denied.

Ashley found a clinic named AB Psych who advertised online that they do adult ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) evaluations. She paid $2000 out of pocket for me to be evaluated. On 7/13/2023, I met for the interview. I was given a test called the ADOS 2 (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule) Module 4, which was specifically designed to detect autism in adults. An assistant gave me the WISC-IV (basically an IQ test) for an hour and a half and then quickly switched places with the psychologist Anthony Benigno (whom the clinic AB Psych was named after). He started doing the ADOS 2 (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule) Module 4, which is a test was specifically designed to detect autism in adults. About a half hour in he started verbally indicating that he didn't think I met diagnostic criterea for Autism. He mimed stereotypes about what "real" autistic people are like: humorously imitating "flap stims", staring at dripping water and treating people like furniture. The interview continued with standardized tasks about describing how teeth are brushed to interpreting a picture book titled "Tuesday" about flying frogs. At the end of the test Dr. Benigno told me that he cannot diagnose me since I didn't meet criteria. I asked him, "Then what is wrong with me?" He laughed and offered to send me an email invitation to complete the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory). I left in a terrible mood.

After reflecting on the experience, it was pretty obvious that this psychologist shouldn't have been advertising adult ASD evaluations. He seemed only to care about stereotypes sometimes found in autistic children. He didn't seem to know anything about how those traits evolve over time, especially how they would look in a 38 year old adult who hasn't had a diagnosis to fall back on for their entire life. I wrote an email to Dr. Benigno asking why certain things were not considered, particularly why there was no collateral interview. A collateral interview would be with a parent or caretaker. This was advertised as part of the process on their website. I never got an explanation for why there was no collateral interview, nor why a multitude of other factors were not considered. After my second email, the doctor completely ceased responding. The full written report explaining the findings of the test was supposed to be completed after 4 months, but it was never completed either.

I came to the conclusion that the whole evaluation was void once Dr. Benigno told me what the test results were "going to be" before anything was completed. This means he didn't base his determination on anything standardized, certainly not anything "comprehensive" as advertised. Also, it's very unscientific to bias a test subject if you're genuinely interested in knowing the truth. I began considering legal options for filing a malpractice suit or at the very least getting our $2000 dollars back.

On 7/20/2023, Willow was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism by Dr. Edward Susumu Curry at Kaiser Fontana. Ashley cried harder that I ever heard her cry on the way home. I asked her why she was crying and she replied, "Because now Willow will never be a badass."

On 7/25/2023, I had a telehealth appointment with Molly. I sat in the parking lot of Red Robbin while Ashley and Willow went in to eat. I didn't tell her about the incident with AB Psych because I didn't want to hurt my chances of getting diagnosed. Instead, I said that I needed a specialist since anyone unqualified would look at me and say "You make eye contact. You have friends. You're not Autistic." Molly was very nice to me. She said if she could she would diagnose me right then. She asked me if I was in distress due to the symptoms of Autism or due to not being diagnosed. I told her, "I know the right answer is to say it's the symptoms. But the truth is it's both. It's both." She offered to schedule continual visits but I told her, "Therapy is ruined for me every time I think about the fact that someone is being paid to care." This paranoia was made even worse due to my experience with AB Psych.

I decided to continue persuing the diagnosis. Through Kaiser, I met a resident psychiatrist, Dr. Singh, on 9/7/2023, who said I should be evaluated for ASD. He put me on a wait list. Eventually, I was seen by Dr. Natalya Newcomb on 3/21/2024. She seemed to know what to look for in Autistic Adults. On 4/8/2024, I followed up with Dr. Newcomb and she told me that I had traits consistent with a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (Criteria A Level 1, Criteria B Level 1), Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depressive Disorder (Other Specified). I would never invalidate another person for self-diagnosing, but I needed an official diagnosis for myself and I finally had it. When I got home and told my Dad I got the diagnosis, he said "How is my new enhanced son" with emphasis on the word "enhanced" as if I needed reassurance. I reassured him that I was great.

I obsess over preserving things. If I can reuse, recycle or repurpose something, I will go to the ends of the earth to avoid saying goodbye to it. I love putting old things back together. I love organizing and concisifying. Efficiency is my best friend. This is why I gravitated toward Physics: the ultimate rule set. I'm always using inductive reasoning to find the general rule. I am always reinventing things to find how they fit.

Working at MSJC

During the summer of 2023, I applied online for a job as an Adjunct Professor at Mount San Jacinto College. MSJC had a satellite right next to Banning high school. My plan was to hopefully work very close to home. Completely by coincidence, the University of Redlands informed me that they wouldn't be needing me to teach that Fall. Also by coincidence, Brittany Sandner from the HR department at MSJC called me about getting an interview during our drive to AB Psych for my autism evaluation. I agreed.

On 6/20/2023, I drove to the MSJC Menifee Valley Campus which was about an hour away. This was one of the longest drives I had ever done my myself. I cried and almost threw up because of how stressful the drive was not knowing where to go. I encountered street lights that were outlined in yellow (probably for visibility) and I kept freaking out thinking I needed to slow down. When I got there, I wanted to decline the job right there due to the drive, but I didn't. I met Mark Maier the department chair of Physics at MSJC. He asked me questions about my teaching philosophy and I asked questions about how I would harmonize with how they did classes. Mark agreed to ask the administration if I could start my class an hour later than typical due to my need to drop off my daughter and commute afterward. He said I would be contacted by the end of the week with an answer and account information so I could get started.

I wasn't actually contacted until August. On 8/7/2023, I drove with Ashley and Willow to an Occupational Therapy session for Willow. After that we drove to the MSJC Temecula Campus for me to meet with Brittany Sandner. She introduced me to the step system they have, which was an incremental hourly rate based on how long someone works there. The step system agreed with what was advertised on the website I applied at.

On Friday 8/11/2023, I was finally given access to my course on Canvas, which gave me only 5 days until the following Tuesday to write a syllabus and create the course. It was a very stressful weekend, but I fortunately was able to use the Power Point presentations I created during my single lecture experience at Redlands. The difference was that this was a Hybrid course, half in person half online, so I needed to record my lectures and upload them as course materials. This eliminated a lot of anxiety just to then add it back in due to the incredibly short time I had to edit all my videos.

On 8/15/2023, I teach my first in-person class at MSJC. I explained the syllabus and gave an ungraded practice lab to measure where the students were at. After I get home, I notice an email from MSJC Instructional Services asking me to confirm my work load. The work load consisted of 105 total hours. This was the first time I was shown the final piece of the puzzle of how much I was going to be paid. It indicated that I was only going to be paid for lecture and lab time, not for any of the other work in the job description such as preparation, grading and office hours. This seemed like a bait and switch. How could they get away with hiding this information until after I had already gone through a full course build and met my students on the first day of class?

On 8/25/2023, I have a Zoom call with Sandra Blackman, the speaker for the Associate Faculty Union at MSJC. By this time I had realized that every Associate Faculty member went through the same fraudulent hiring process but I told my story anyways. Sandra invited me to come to the union bargaining team meetings. From then on I would be a regular member of the bargaining team for the University Professional and Technical Employees (UPTE).

Despite my resistance to having children before Ashley and I had Willow, I decided that we should have a second child. I wanted to create more humans that would love Willow unconditionally. I knew my parents would be happy to have a second grandchild also. The experience of taking care of one baby left me more comfortable (enthusiastic even) with doing it a second time. Once I worked out the details in my head of how we could accommodate a second child in our home, my fear of having another child got inverted. Now I was afraid not to. I wanted another girl.

On 12/23/2023, Ellowyn Donna Karena Labbate is born. She was premature by over a month and initially had minor breathing and eating problems. Ashley and I hadn't completely agreed on a name yet. I was fully commited to "Ellowyn" but Ashley was still deciding between "Ellowyn" and "Bowie". These were narrowed down from the list: Ellowyn, Bowie, Winter, Juniper, Artemis, Freya and Calypso. During her stay at the hospital she asked the nursing staff for their opinions on the names. Ellowyn's first middle name "Donna" is the first name of Ashley's great aunt whom she held in great respect. Her second middle name "Karena" is the first name of Ashley's life long best friend. I liked these names because they meant something (and they sounded Italian).

On 2/6/2024, Ashley was driving the Zephyr east on the I-10 with Ellowyn when she saw a large pot hole. She was between two large trucks so she couldn't move out of the way. She heard a loud pop. The right front tire was destroyed instantly. Ashley called AAA Roadside Assistance. She thinks they worked extra fast because they heard the baby on board.

Father's Day 2024

Memorial: Rocco B.G. Labbate

I would always call my Dad and talk to him about things that happened that day. Now, the list of things I want to tell him just keeps growing. Nothing serves as an alternative. My mind just wanders around looking for him, moving faster and faster, slamming into a growing darkness. Sometimes I want to just talk to someone about it but I know it would just make them sad and ruin their day. I can't tell my Mom how awful I feel because I know she would call off work and destroy her life for me. I can't tell my daughter because it would mess up her image of me at a critical time in her life. My Dad hid every sadness he had to protect me. Now that it's too late, I wish he hadn't.

Pain is the only way I can be with him now. I guess that means I don't want it to stop. I can't stand the thought of getting farther and farther away from him as time goes on. I can't stand talking about him in the past tense. I can't stand the thought of ever "getting over it". My Mom said that I might not want to do a viewing. She said I already saw him on Father's Day and that the image might stick in my mind. I wasn't really afraid of that. I loved him so much. I would love his bones. I would love his dust.

On 6/29/2024, My Mom and I meet Bernard, Richard, George and Kara to view my Dad at Forest Lawn. For a week prior I was somehow able to trick my brain into thinking, "It's fine. You'll see your Dad again on Saturday." When viewing day came, I didn't have a plan other than to cry and hug my Mom. I gave Richard a bunch of my old baseball cards to give to his son, Rocco Blue Labbate. I hadn't seen George and Kara in over 20 years. I thought about how everyone else in that room had already gone through similar losses. I thought about how my Mom had just lost her life companion that she knew and lived with for longer than I had even existed.

On 7/8/2024, I attended my Dad's memorial at Riverside National Cemetary. I saw a lot of family members for the first time on almost 30 years. Reuniting with them was a bright moment. It's not my Dad's fault that I separated from them for so long; I could have seen them if I wanted to. I felt guilty for trying to enjoy the reunion. I brought an artichoke flower from my garden to put on the coffin. Ron (my cousin Gina's husband) stood next to me when Willow put the flower into the hearse. He cried and said, "I'm sorry." and I said, "I'm sorry I called you Mark." (I was referring to the last time we met over 20 years before when I called him by his son's name accidentally.) He said "It's okay. Lot's of people do that." I felt very grateful to him for sharing my sadness.

I tried to think of the things I still have: my Mom, my Wife, my 8 year old daughter who loved music and storytelling, my new baby daughter who was just learning to walk, my projects. I thought, "at least I talked to him a lot", "at least I visited with him a lot", "at least I did projects with him", "at least I didn't take him for granted too much". But as I go through his extensive collection of saved items and records, I regret never asking him to tell me stories about them. As I try to connect with family members I haven't seen in decades, I regret not doing it sooner. I regret not telling him over and over how good of a teammate he was and how much I needed him. Maybe my Dad would still be alive if I had.

On 9/4/2024, I join a Community of Practice at MSJC for professional development. The topic is neurodiversity. Myself and other professors Lauren Springer, Brittney Cairns, Karli Tucker, Donna-Maria Trewhella, Lota Cobb, Tara Rio, Rebecca Williams, Sana Massad", Daniel Martinez-Sarabia, Hillary Houseman, Belgacem Al-Azem, Charles Seager, Jennifer Allard, Zeynep Akyol-Ataman, Colette Murphy and Franklin Fravel meet each week for 5 weeks to discuss strategies to help neurodivergent students (with ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, etc).

On 10/16/2024, Willow and I go to Redlands to see Dr. Douglas Larson. The Department of Social Services wanted Willow to go through another Autism evaluation. I sit in the room with Willow as the doctor gives her the WISC-V (Weschsler Intelligence Scale For Children: 5th Edition). During the test Willow hums a lot and answers the questions by hitting them with her finger very hard. The doctor asks her, "Can you control it?" Willow answers "That's just the way I think." After the test Willow steps out and has a conversation with the receptionist. The conversation was about her accidentally wetting her pants at the High 5 indoor playground prior to the appointment. The doctor says to me, "She's very smart" and asks me if we have talked to Willow about her diagnosis. I say, "No. We don't really know how to bring it up." He says that she probably can tell that she's different. I agree and suggest that Willow identifying as an Arctic Wolf might have something to do with it. He says, "You know what it's like to pretend to be normal." I agree saying "It's a lot." He admits, "I may have a streak of Autism myself, but I've never been diagnosed. I also have a high IQ." He asks, "Does she have an IEP at school?" I reply, "Yes." He explains that he thinks Willow would benefit from counciling. I tell him that Willow is in ABA therapy. He says "ABA is good. It's like saying to the kid: You can join our world and be happy, or you can stay in your world and be unhappy." He asks whether I think Willow has mild, moderate or severe Autism. I say that I don't really understand the question. When pressured I say, "She's probably on the lower support needs side." I felt really bad after the meeting. I was upset that the doctor seemed to treat Autism like a disease. I was also very sad that in spite of that opinion he thought himself to be on the spectrum. It was like he had thrown himself to the wolves.